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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #1
    Aruba since 1979
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    HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

    If we have a ha ha ha ha to pass on, here is the thread.
    I will keep it up top as a "sticky"

    andrea

    This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

    ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis, to make an
    appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
    showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
    to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
    Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
    thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
    didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
    quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written in structions, and a
    prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
    large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
    detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
    fall into the hands of America's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
    nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
    preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
    solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
    water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
    moviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
    plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.. (For those
    unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then
    you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
    moviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
    spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
    great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
    bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
    jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
    but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
    the MoviPrep Experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times
    when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
    pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
    eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
    empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point,
    as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
    eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
    morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
    was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
    occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,
    'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for
    something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
    and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
    led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
    a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
    hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
    put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
    naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
    hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
    was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka
    in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
    this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
    tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full
    Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
    were Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
    see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
    somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
    over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
    up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
    I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to
    Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
    particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
    ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
    more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because
    I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
    yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
    moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
    excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was
    all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
    never been prouder of an internal organ.

    ABOUT THE WRITER
    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


  2. #2
    Senior Member DANNYO's Avatar
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    I had it done about two years ago,and it wasn't as funny as the story makes it sound.....REALLY YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM.This brings back memories..P.S. Mine also turned out good.

  3. #3
    Senior Member danadog56's Avatar
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    I have not had the pleasure.....but I can attest to the fact my husband had a wonderful time.....LOL
    ARUBA....HOME AWAY FROM HOME

  4. #4
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DANNYO View Post
    I had it done about two years ago,and it wasn't as funny as the story makes it sound.....REALLY YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM.This brings back memories..P.S. Mine also turned out good.
    Oh my...I could not agree with you more. I was due again this year and was able to talk the doctor into waiting one more year. I am too young for this c * * p , but once you have problems... I honestly cannot think of anything worse to have to prepare for. You would think in this day and age there would be an easier way...

  5. #5
    Senior Member cindyo's Avatar
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    Oh jes, I can feel the pain.....I can laugh at this, but not when I had to prepare for one....Not one of the highlights in my life...

  6. #6
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    A man retired and he wife thought he was being a nuisance hanging around the house underfoot.
    The retired man became more and more depressed having nothing to do and being bored at home.

    The wife dragged the husband to the doctor and he examined the man, told the man that he was FINE and then the dr. asked to speak confidentially to the man's wife.

    The doctor said " your husband needs SEXUAL activity or he will die. You need to cater to his every whim and be a submissive housewife."

    Later in the car driving home, the man said to his wife............"what did the doctor say to you?"
    The wife said.........
    "you're gonna die".

  7. #7
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Woman's Remote Control

    Woman's Remote Control
    Last edited by Arubalisa; 02-07-2013 at 01:27 PM.

  8. #8
    Senior Member rob o's Avatar
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    From what I've seen on this thread, the low season has officially arrived on aruba.com!
    Please contact via e-mail at arubarennowner@gmail.com



  9. #9
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rob o View Post
    From what I've seen on this thread, the low season has officially arrived on aruba.com!
    Well to keep you busy then...

    These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

    1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
    2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
    3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
    4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
    5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't
    been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
    6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
    7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
    8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh
    9.. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'






    See below for answers:

    Answers To Quiz:
    1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing
    2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
    millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
    3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons.
    Asparagus and rhubarb.
    4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside Strawberry.
    5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing seas on. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
    6. Three English words beginning with dw.
    Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
    7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.
    Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
    8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.
    Lettuce.
    9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 's' .
    Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

  10. #10
    Senior Member rob o's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arubalisa View Post
    Well to keep you busy then...

    These are not trick questions.
    Fun stuff! Thread is improving!
    Please contact via e-mail at arubarennowner@gmail.com



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