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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #91
    Senior Member danadog56's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    everywhere and anywhere
    Just proves my theory about drinking vodka vs. beer !!!!!!
    Vodka yes, beer no !!!

  2. #92
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Any Aruba beach...

    Talking The Old Tired Dog

    An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

    I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

    He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
    he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

    An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

    The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

    This continued off and on for several weeks.

    Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.

    The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

    'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

    Can I come with him tomorrow?'

  3. #93
    Senior Member arubamark's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Ren Island

    How to call the police when you are old.......


    George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi
    , was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. </SPAN>

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."20

    George said, "Okay."

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

    Then he phoned the police again.

    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

    (True Story) I LOVE IT!

    Don't mess with old people

  4. #94
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Any Aruba beach...

    Smile Investment plan for today

    Investment plan for today

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

    But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

    Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

    It is called the 401-Keg.

    A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

    Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

    That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Makes you proud to be an American!

  5. #95
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Any Aruba beach...

    Wink Dear IRS

    Dear IRS,

    I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

    I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall, but I have run out of space and money.

    When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

    P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my Stimulus check.

  6. #96
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Any beach, party, bar or Casino!!!!!!
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- ---------

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- ---------

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- ---------

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- ---------

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- ---------

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------
    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- ---------

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And then the fight started....

    ------------ --------- ---------

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

    and then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- ---------

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- ---------

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

    And then the fight started ...

    ------------ --------- ---------

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started....

    ------------ --------- ---------

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were i n bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started....

  7. #97
    Senior Member cindyo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Reniassance Island & Surf Club Lazy River
    Bill...all really good and funny, thanks

    Palm Beach March 2016
    Aruba May & June 2016
    Aruba Dec 2016 NYE

  8. #98
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Any Aruba beach...
    VERY cute Bill!

  9. #99
    Aruba since 1979
    Andrea J.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007

    Menopause Jewelry

    My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
    bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
    able to monitor my moods.

    We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
    turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
    big frickin red mark on his forehead.

    Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dummy.

  10. #100
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
    university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
    other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother
    came to visit him.

    "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

    "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
    one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
    stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

    "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy
    English neighbors?"

    "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
    quietly, playing my bagpipes."

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