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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #101
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    You are all killing me. Way too funny!

  2. #102
    Senior Member danadog56's Avatar
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    Way too funny...printed the last 3 pages out !!!!!
    ARUBA....HOME AWAY FROM HOME

  3. #103
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher.
    He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
    drugs.'

    The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he
    points out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of
    the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he
    removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?

    This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No
    questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
    understand?'

    The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
    officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize
    bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
    seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer
    is clearly terrified.

    The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
    top of his lungs.....

    'Your badge...Show him your badge !!!'

  4. #104
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Subject:* opportunistic lawyer

    >
    >> One afternoon an ambulance-chasing lawyer was riding in his limousine when
    >> he saw two men along the roadside eating handfuls of grass.* Disturbed, he
    >> ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.* He asked one
    >> man,
    >> "Why are you eating grass?"* "We don't have any money for food," the poor
    >> man replied.* "We have to eat grass."* "Well, then, you can come with me
    >> to
    >> my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.* "But sir, I have a wife and
    >> two children with me.* They are over there, under that tree."* "Bring them
    >> along," the lawyer replied.* Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You
    >> come with us, also."* The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But
    >> sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"* "Bring them all, as
    >> well," the lawyer answered.* They all entered the car, which was no easy
    >> task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.* Once underway, one of
    >> the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.
    >> Thank you for taking all of us with you."* The lawyer replied, "Glad to do
    >> it.* You'll really love my place.* The grass is almost a foot high".
    >>

  5. #105
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    A father is in church with three of his young children, including
    his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very
    front row so that the children could properly witness the
    service.

    During this particular service, the minister was performing the
    baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken
    by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water
    over the infant's head.

    With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her
    father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

  6. #106
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orrin View Post
    A father is in church with three of his young children, including
    his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very
    front row so that the children could properly witness the
    service.

    During this particular service, the minister was performing the
    baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken
    by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water
    over the infant's head.

    With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her
    father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

    Now that is funny!!!

  7. #107
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Defense Attorney:
    Will you please state your age?
    Little Old Lady:
    I am 86 years old.
    Defense Attorney:
    Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
    Little Old Lady:
    There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
    when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
    Defense Attorney:
    Did you know him?
    Little Old Lady:
    No, but he sure was friendly.
    Defense Attorney:
    What happened after he sat down?
    Little Old Lady:
    He started to rub my thigh.
    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him?
    Little Old Lady:
    No, I didn't stop him.
    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?
    Little Old Lady:
    It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?
    Little Old Lady:
    He began to rub my breasts.
    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him then?
    Little Old Lady:
    No, I did not stop him
    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?
    Little Old Lady:
    His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?
    Little Old Lady:
    Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
    'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
    Defense Attorney:
    Did he take you?
    Little Old Lady:
    Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

    *

  8. #108
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation's
    economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and
    most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of
    the traditional Indian culture.

    One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the
    sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the
    cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found
    that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would
    use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany,
    thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the
    cost.

    While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors
    complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

  9. #109
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by orrin View Post
    cheap sioux veneer.
    :d :d :d

  10. #110
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Talking Proud to be a Jersey Girl

    Proud to be a Jersey Girl

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Texas and told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

    The second man had married a woman from Nebraska . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married a girl from New Jersey. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

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