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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #111
    Senior Member beckybnott's Avatar
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    did you hear about the two blondes standing on opposite sides of the pond ? One blonde said to the other blonde "how do I get to the other side" the other blonde reply's " You are on the other side..


  2. #112
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    On a distant planet, the dominant population was obsessed with
    dental hygiene due to the fact that they had three complete
    receding sets of mandibles.

    They were so concerned with maintaining their teeth, that the
    custom was to floss several times a day. To achieve this goal,
    they grew a floss plant from which the fibers were extracted to
    make the necessary product.

    Being a scientifically advanced species especially in the area
    of genetics, they developed a sub-species of workers by using
    their own genetic print as a starting point. These clones were
    specifically designed to harvest the plants, but were deficient
    in other areas such as intelligence.

    As long as they were supervised, they did a good job. However,
    if left untended, they would usually wander aimlessly off. From
    whence comes their expression: A strolling clone gathers no floss.

  3. #113
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    I know it's not a joke but it is cute.

    A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
    SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'
    DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.
    SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'
    DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.
    SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'
    DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'
    SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.
    SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'
    The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities. '
    The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
    The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
    After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:
    Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
    'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.
    'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.
    'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'
    The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
    The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
    The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
    'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.
    'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.
    'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'
    The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
    It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
    If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

  4. #114
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Things I learned from the Easter Bunny --

    -Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
    -Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
    -There's no such thing as too much candy.
    -A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
    -Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
    -Some body parts should be floppy.
    -The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

  5. #115
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
    He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
    Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the
    forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

    The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

  6. #116
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Finish Overseas Tour


    A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.


    The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.


    He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"

  7. #117
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
    store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

  8. #118
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orrin View Post
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
    store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


    I love a good laugh!!!

  9. #119
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Human conception typically involves a chaotic dash by tens
    of millions of sperm seeking a path to a single egg. Some
    researchers believe that so many sperm are required because
    not one of them will stop to ask for directions.

  10. #120
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Handling Teens


    A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.


    The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.


    After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.


    "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."


    The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.


    "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"


    "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"


    And the old man enjoyed peace.

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