Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his
crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew
became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me
my Red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red
shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the
pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the
crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were now TWO
pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear,
but the Captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. Once again the Captain and his
crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the
Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a Captain can
give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not
show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As
dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were
more pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their
way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their
leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever,
bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During
the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive
and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he
started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and
the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's
thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and
said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter
just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle
from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the
young priest which read:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in
your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
A new political official, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands
together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the
quiet and said: ''Well, dumba**, stop clapping!'