HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

[Orrin]

Priest goes to barber shop for a haircut. He offers to pay when he
is finished. Barber refuses to take money from a 'man of the
cloth'. In appreciation, the Priest sends the barber a box of
chocolates.

Rabbi walks into same shop and is treated. He too offers to pay,
but barber insists he won't accept money from 'man of the cloth'.
In appreciation the Rabbi sends the barber 5 more rabbis.

[Arubalisa]

[Orrin]

A famous scientist found he was too busy and decided to clone
himself. When the clone was ready, the scientist started working
half days and allowed the clone to work the other half of the
time. Every thing seemed to be working out well except for one
small problem. The clone had a extremely foul mouth.

After awhile the scientist found that the clones manners and mouth
had cost him over half of his friends. The scientist decided he
had to take some action so he lured his clone to the roof of the
building and pushed him over the edge.

Immediately several FBI agents leaped out and arrested him.
The charge....? Making an obscene clone fall.

[elianna]

Bad News
A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news".
The guy says, "well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "well sir you have Cancer".
The guy says "that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease".
"Well", answers the guy, "at least I don't have Cancer".

[Orrin]

True Love

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never
behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you
either married it or gave birth to it!

[Bill]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[Orrin]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had
no prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can't get
a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately,
her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against
the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when, to her
great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs
the horse.

[Arubalisa]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Orrin]

A rich oil sheik was visiting the White House to discuss the oil
trade with political bigwigs. His personal servant was attending
to the sheik's every need, as was customary and expected.

The sheik, never having tasted salted peanuts before, took an
instant liking to them, and began munching them like you wouldn't
believe. Naturally, the salt made the sheik thirsty, and he
called to his servant to get him some water. His servant left the
room and came back with a glass of nice, cold water.

Munching some more on the peanuts, the sheik got thirsty again,
and called to his servant to get him another glass of water. The
servant immediately complied with his master's wishes, and
returned in a jiffy with another glass of water.

Really taken by the peanuts, the sheik virtually stuffed himself
on them, and got a healthy thirst to match. He called to his
servant to get him some more water, and off the servant went.
This time, he came back empty-handed. The servant apologized
profusely, and begged his master's forgiveness.

Furious, the sheik yelled and screamed at his servant, "You son
of a flea-infested camel, why can't you bring me my water?!?"

"But Master", begged the servant, "I cannot bring you your water
because a white man sits on the well..."

[Orrin]

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
feet became quite thick and hard. He was also quite a spiritual
person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat
much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a "Super calloused fragile
mystic plagued with halitosis."