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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #161
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    The Cleaning Man

    A man was part of a national wildlife preserve before he died. He loved to clean up areas for all kinds of animals, and thought he had done a lot of good in the world. So when he died, he expected to go to heaven.

    He was very surprised when the angel, who told people whether they were going to heaven or hell, said, "I'm sorry, but you were sent to hell."

    "Are you quite sure you haven't made mistake?" the young man asked.

    "We never make mistakes and never have." The angel replied.

    So the young man thought, well, okay, and went with the devil to hell.

    When the young man got there, he thought, "What a mess! I am NOT going to be living in such a pigsty." so he started to clean the place up.

    A few weeks later, the angel came down to hell to tell the young man that they indeed had made a mistake and he was supposed to go to heaven.

    "Woah, you can't just take him! He's mine now and this place looks great!" Said the devil.

    "Oh, well then we'll just sue you!" The angel said back.

    "And how the heck do you plan to do that?" taunted the devil. "We've got all the lawyers."

  2. #162
    Aruba since 1979
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    hahahaha
    i love that one
    Quote Originally Posted by rob o View Post
    So….

    A man is arrested for shooting and eating a rare, endangered California Condor. The judge, at first, says this inexcusable. The man pleas “but I was lost in the woods for days and starving”.

    Much to his surprise, the judge finds that the man has a valid excuse and dismisses the case.

    Later, the two meet in the parking lot. The judge asks, I have to wonder, what does a California Condor taste like?”. The man replies…………….

    …….kind of a cross between a bald eagle and a thresher shark!

  3. #163
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    It's been called to our attention that if Count Dracula had been
    burned at the stake, the result would have been Transylvanian
    ghoul ash.

  4. #164
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orrin View Post
    Transylvanian ghoul ash.
    What a dish!

    As always I appreciate your humor

  5. #165
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "P M S"?

    A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

  6. #166
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orrin View Post
    Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "P M S"?

    A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
    Orrin, love you humor but that was bad

  7. #167
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the
    came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day,
    enjoying the fishing, which was super.

    At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating
    from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty
    years, at the same place and renew the experience.

    Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where
    they had been years before. They walked into the woods and
    before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other,
    "This is the place!".

    The other replied, "No, it's not!".

    The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on
    the bank on the other side.

    To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook
    by it's clover."

  8. #168
    Aruba since 1979
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    a little "racy"

    60 yrs ago there was a young actor, singer and dancer that was having much difficulty getting work. Every director or producer said "we'd love to hire you, but your name is offensive and since you will not change it to a stage name, we will not hire you".

    The young actor did not want to change his name.
    But he began to starve and was on the verge of being homeless and really needed the work.

    Reluctantly he changed his name to
    "Dick Van Dyke"

    Do you know his real name?
    scroll down
    ,
    ,
    ,
    ,
    ,
    ,
    ,
    ,
    ,
    "Penis Van Lesbian"

  9. #169
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of
    the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans
    ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a
    franc in Stein!"

  10. #170
    Aruba since 1979
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    > A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding
    > the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale
    > in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50
    > percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying
    > her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was
    > in critical condition and in the ICU.
    >
    > The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where
    > she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
    >
    > As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
    > her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of
    > more shops before heading to the hospital.
    >
    > She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
    > a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the
    > last shop. She was jubilant.
    >
    > Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
    > hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
    > husband's condition.
    >
    > The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished
    > your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you'reproud of yourself! While you
    > were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
    > has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you
    > went
    > ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping
    > trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the
    > clock
    > care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'
    >
    > The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
    >
    > The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's
    > dead. Show me what you bought.'

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