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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #181
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Aging

    First you forget names, then you forget faces.
    Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
    It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

  2. #182
    Senior Member cindyo's Avatar
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    orrin,orrin,orrin..
    What would we do without you? I think you are one of the funniest people I know, well, know on this site...thank you for your sence of humor...I get it completely !

  3. #183
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge
    University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright
    young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes
    and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

    Proctor: I beg your pardon?

    Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

    Proctor: Sorry, no.

    Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you
    bring me Cakes and Ale.

    At this point, the studnet produced a copy of the four hundred
    year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally
    in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly
    translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and
    require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the
    modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his
    examination and happily slurping away.

    Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not
    wearing a sword to the examination.

  4. #184
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
    >> was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
    >> Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
    >> 'Dad.'
    >>
    >> With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
    >>
    >> with trembling hands and read the letter.
    >>
    >>
    >> Dear Dad:
    >>
    >> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.. I had to elope
    >> with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
    >> you.
    >>
    >> I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
    >>
    >> But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
    >> tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
    >> than I am. But it' s not only the passion.....Dad she's pregnant.
    >>
    >> Stacy said that we will be very happy.
    >>
    >> She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
    >> winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
    >>
    >> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
    >> anyone.
    >> We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
    >> that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
    >>
    >> In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
    >>
    >> Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
    >>
    >> Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
    >>
    >> Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
    >>
    >>
    >> get to know your grandchildren.
    >>
    >>
    >> Love, Your Son John
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
    >>
    >>
    >> I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
    >> Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
    >>
    >>
    >> I love you.
    >>
    >>
    >> Call me when it's safe to come home.

  5. #185
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Q. What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?

    A. The taste.

  6. #186
    Senior Member cindyo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by orrin View Post
    q. What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?

    A. The taste.
    orrin...you freaking kill me !!!

  7. #187
    Senior Member arubamark's Avatar
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    Being a "Pole" I can post this

    Polish Sausage

    Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

    A man asks a store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
    The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

    The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
    But let me ask you something.

    If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
    would you ask me if I was German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
    would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or if I had asked for a taco,
    would you ask if I was Mexican?'

    'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
    would you ask if I was Irish?'

    The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

    With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
    'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
    because I asked for Polish sausage?'

    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"

  8. #188
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orrin View Post
    Q. What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?

    A. The taste.

  9. #189
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by arubamark View Post
    Polish Sausage

    Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

    A man asks a store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
    The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

    The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
    But let me ask you something.

    If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
    would you ask me if I was German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
    would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or if I had asked for a taco,
    would you ask if I was Mexican?'

    'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
    would you ask if I was Irish?'

    The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

    With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
    'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
    because I asked for Polish sausage?'

    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"

    Welllll,,,, in the Home depot I go there is a sausage cart so it's not that far fetched

  10. #190
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Cannibals


    2 cannibals were having lunch. your wife makes great soups said 1 to the other. yes agreed the first, but i am going to miss her terribly

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