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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #11
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Girlie Wisdom!

    Girlie Wisdom!

    Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

    A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

    One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

    My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

    The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

    The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

    Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

    Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

    I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

    Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

    Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my

    mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

    The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

    I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?

    That's my idea of a perfect day!

  2. #12
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    a little riskier than pg-13

    There was an elderly man that sat despondantly day after day in his wheelchair at the nursing home's garden.
    A woman, also a nursing home resident wandered up to him and asked if there was something she could do to make him feel better, less depressed and despondent.
    He unzipped his pants and asked her to "just hold it".
    She saw nothing wrong with that request and continued the holding ritual every afternoon for many weeks.
    One day she went to the garden to sit and "hold".
    The man wasn't in his usual location.
    The woman became distressed and looked around.
    Lo and behold she found him in another section of the garden with ANOTHER WOMAN "holding it".
    Later, in the nursing home's dining room she confronted the man and said "I am disappointed to have found you with another woman. What does she have that I don't have?"

    His reply.........................

    private message me













    Last edited by Andrea J.; 07-01-2008 at 06:55 PM. Reason: :-)

  3. #13
    Senior Member cindyo's Avatar
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    nah, I wouldn't ban you...now if it was mickey with the ax I would....

  4. #14
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    mickey with the ax was disgusting
    where do folks get that crap?

    Quote Originally Posted by cindyo View Post
    nah, I wouldn't ban you...now if it was mickey with the ax I would....

  5. #15
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Seeing Eye Dog

    Seeing Eye Dog

    There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

    The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.

    They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”

    The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”

    He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

    The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

    The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

    The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

    The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

    The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

    The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

  6. #16
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    An Amish farmer out in Pennnsylvania walking through his field,
    notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

    The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
    dahin gesheissen." Which means, "Don't drink the water, the cows
    have crapped in it."

    The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your
    gibberish.? Speak English, infidel!"??

    The Amish man says: "Use two hands, You'll get more."

  7. #17
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forum Orrin!

  8. #18
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Blonde Caller: "Can you give the telephone number for Jack?"

    Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
    about."

    Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5 of the user guide it clearly
    states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall
    socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me
    the number for Jack?"

  9. #19
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    24: The Unaired 1994 Pilot PARODY!

    Have you watched tv serie 24? Well if u did this will make u laugh until you cry

    http://fliiby.com/file/54556/woam9fd3b0.html

  10. #20
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nitroy2k View Post
    Have you watched tv serie 24? Well if u did this will make u laugh until you cry

    http://fliiby.com/file/54556/woam9fd3b0.html
    Came up a Miley Cyrus video. Have a lot of that already around this household.

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