There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only
the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were
a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the
shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and
was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers When the
reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but
I think those two other girls were using their arms.
Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a newborn child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them
will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription
dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted
groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their
government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried
foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel
sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will
insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to
keep other codgers in repair.
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage restrictive.”
Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”
You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.”
The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”
Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”
You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor retentive athletic footwear.”
You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”
You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately
and presented him with three numbered envelopes... #1, #2, & #3.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you
can solve," the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later,
sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of
heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He
went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message
read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid
the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his
comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively,
sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight
dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and
the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once
again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling,Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"