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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #191
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Strange but true? If you are familiar with Long Branch you might not want to be walking around alone all that much anyway.

    WHO? You're Bob Dylan? NJ police want to see some ID...

  2. #192
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only
    the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were
    a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

    After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the
    shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker.

    About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and
    was declared the second place finisher.

    Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
    promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers When the
    reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
    she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but
    I think those two other girls were using their arms.

  3. #193
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    "CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this...

    "CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this...

    Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a newborn child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them
    will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription
    dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

    Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted
    groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their
    government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

    Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried
    foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel
    sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

    All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will
    insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to
    keep other codgers in repair.

  4. #194
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    Political Correctness For Kids

    Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage restrictive.”
    Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
    You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
    No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”
    You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
    You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
    It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.”
    The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”
    Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
    You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”
    You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor retentive athletic footwear.”
    You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”
    You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

  5. #195
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7"

    Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to departure, by the way,
    after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
    end of the runway."

    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7,
    did you copy the report from Delta?"

    Continental 635: "Cleared for takeoff roger, and yes we copied
    Delta and we've already notified our caterers."

  6. #196
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orrin View Post
    Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7"

    Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to departure, by the way,
    after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
    end of the runway."

    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7,
    did you copy the report from Delta?"

    Continental 635: "Cleared for takeoff roger, and yes we copied
    Delta and we've already notified our caterers."
    Orrin, you hit an all time low with that one. Im sure the dead animal was a cat Keep them coming!

  7. #197
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
    corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately
    and presented him with three numbered envelopes... #1, #2, & #3.
    "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you
    can solve," the departing CEO said.

    Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later,
    sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of
    heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He
    went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message
    read, "Blame your predecessor."

    Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid
    the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his
    comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively,
    sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

    About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight
    dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having
    learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the
    second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and
    the company quickly rebounded.

    After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once
    again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door
    and opened the third envelope.

    The message said, ..."Prepare three envelopes."

  8. #198
    Senior Member arubamark's Avatar
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    The Fishing Trip

    The Fishing Trip





    Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
    Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling,
    Dave headed home frustrated.
    The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.





    "How did you talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"





    "I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."




    "When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"

  9. #199
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the
    mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was
    wrong.

    "Nothing," said the woman.

    Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

    "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
    and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day,
    you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

    "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a
    Father's Day gift."

    "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

  10. #200
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    A woman's grave side service was just barely finished, when there
    was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
    lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

    A little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,
    she's there.

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