HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

[Bill]

To clarify the difference between Swine Flu and Bird Flu is that with Swine Flu you need oinkment and with Bird Flu you need tweetment!

[Bill]

If you wake up looking up like this do not go to work!!!

[Arubalisa]

Hang on to any of the new West Virginia Quarters. If you have them, they maybe worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device.

The problem lies in the unique design of the West Virginia quarter, which was designed by a team of West Virginians . Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.

I emailed this to dh this a.m. and he emailed back mentioning that we needed to check out jug of quarters to see if we had any of "these" WV quarter.

[Orrin]

Then there was this rejected design for the Arkansas Quarter.....

[Orrin]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, was in her
US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware .'

[Bill]

the three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

[Orrin]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry
his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, 'Can you tell me how
to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley
We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens.'

[Bill]

Swine Flu Paranoia

[Orrin]

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good
friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi
in religious arguments.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his
friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese
restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter
and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter
reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in
lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could
not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food,
the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend,
for he could take it no longer.

"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this
restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in
violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and
with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious
reputation!"

Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
(Rabbi nods yes)

"Did you see me order this meal?"
(again he nods yes)

"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
(again he nods yes)

"And did you see me eat it?"
(nods yes)

"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was
done under Rabbinical supervision!"

[Bill]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.




Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.