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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #221
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Any beach, party, bar or Casino!!!!!!
    The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough a$$es to fill the stable.

  2. #222
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde
    was using the following password:


    When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at
    least 8 characters long.

  3. #223
    Aruba since 1979
    Andrea J.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Cleaning Poem
    I asked the Lord to tell me
    Why my house is such a mess.
    He asked if I'd been 'computering',
    And I had to answer 'yes'
    He told me to get off my fanny,
    And tidy up the house.
    And so I started cleaning up...
    The smudges off my mouse.
    I wiped and shined the topside.
    That really did the trick...
    I was just admiring my good work.
    I didn't mean to 'click.'
    But click, I did, and oops - I found
    A real absorbing site
    That I got SO way into it -
    I was into it all night.

    Nothing's changed except my mouse.
    It's very, very shiny.
    I guess my house will stay a mess...
    While I sit here on my hiney.

  4. #224
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Any beach, party, bar or Casino!!!!!!
    Dog For Sale Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!

    Dog For Sale
    Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )-holy-shit.jpg  

  5. #225
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer
    chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's
    breast implants.

    The "iTit" will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on
    speaker size.

    This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
    always complained about men staring at their breasts and not
    listening to them.

  6. #226
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    SCHOOL -- 1958 vs. 2008

    Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
    1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
    2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

    Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
    1958 -Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
    2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

    Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
    1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
    2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

    Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
    1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
    2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

    Scenario :
    Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
    1958 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
    2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

    Pedro fails high school English.
    1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
    2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

    Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
    1958 - Ants die.
    2008- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

    Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
    1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
    2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

  7. #227
    Member joeytruck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    nothing else needs to be said! perfect! this is exactly what our country has turned into!

  8. #228
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Any Aruba beach...

    Talking Retarded grandparents

    (this was actually reported by a teacher)

    After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

    One child wrote the following:

    We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

    They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

    Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

    They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

    They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't
    do them very well.

    There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
    At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

    Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

    Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
    And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

    Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

    The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

    My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

    When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

    Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

    ..... PRICELESS

  9. #229
    Senior Member Sunny Beaches's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son and gives him 3 cents to play with to keep him occupied.

    Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

    The boy coughs up 2 of the cents, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
    At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant..

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last cent, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the cent to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
    "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    'No,' the woman said. I'm with the Internal Revenue Service.

  10. #230
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    The Human Body...

    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

    The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs...

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