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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #231
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orrin View Post
    The Human Body...

    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

    The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs...

  2. #232
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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  3. #233
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

    "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
    dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
    happens, just pull the plug."

    His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

  4. #234
    Senior Member Sunny Beaches's Avatar
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    New Boots

    Margaret and Bert, an elderly couple, moved to Texas.

    Bert always wanted a pair ofauthentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

    Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

    Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

    Furious, Bert yelled,





    'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

    'Nope', she replied.

    'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

    Without changing her expression,





    Margaret replied,




    'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
    Shoulda bought a hat.'









  5. #235
    Senior Member Sunny Beaches's Avatar
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    how give cat a pill

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

    Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

    Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

    Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.




    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

    Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.








    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.

    Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

    Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.








    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


    15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.





    How To Give A Dog A Pill

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.





  6. #236
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    BAKED STUFFED TURKEY

    10-15 lb. turkey
    1 cup melted butter
    4 cups stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
    2 cups uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher’s Low Fat) Salt &
    Pepper to taste

    Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter,
    salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

    Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven
    door.

    Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey’s ass blows the
    oven door open and the turkey flies across the room, it’s done.

  7. #237
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    A repeat from last year, but still a good chuckle!

  8. #238
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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  9. #239
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orrin View Post
    That's awesome!!!!!

  10. #240
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    What's the Difference between Tiger woods and Santa? ..... . . . . . . . . . Santa Stops after 3 HO's

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