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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #241
    Senior Member Sunny Beaches's Avatar
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    Whats the difference between a Chaddy & a Golf Ball, Tiger can drive a golf ball 300 yards! P.S. He changed his name to Cheetah.

  2. #242
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a
    dog. The man will be there to feed the dog, and the dog is there
    to keep the man from touching the computers.

  3. #243
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
     
    Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."
    Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
     
    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
     
    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
    Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
     
    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
     
    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
    Johnny is even madder than before.
     
    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F.
    Kennedy."
     
    Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
    Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
     
    When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
    The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
     
    Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
     

  4. #244
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
    feet became quite thick and hard. He was also quite a spiritual
    person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat
    much and became quite thin and frail.

    Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.
    Therefore: he came to be known as a "Super calloused fragile
    mystic plagued with halitosis."

  5. #245
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    "The Bagpiper and the Funeral"

    As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

    I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

    I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

    As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

    As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

  6. #246
    Senior Member Sunny Beaches's Avatar
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    train ride

    A man and a woman who had never met before,
    but who were both married to other people,
    found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
    they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
    At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
    I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket?
    I'm awfully cold."
    "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
    "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
    "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
    After a moment of silence, he farted.

    The End

  7. #247
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

  8. #248
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I
    desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really
    loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
    coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

  9. #249
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Business One-liners 07


    After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.


    After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.


    Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.


    Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.


    All American cars are basically Chevrolets.


    All general statements are false; think about it.


    All generalizations are false, including this one.


    All generalizations are useless, including this one.


    All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!


    All great discoveries are made by mistake.

  10. #250
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Talking Cat Called for Jury Duty


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