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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #251
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age,
    she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her
    last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker
    that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

    "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

    Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker
    told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it
    in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the
    inscription to be unnecessarily long.

    They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"

  2. #252
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Resignation
    I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
    I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

    I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

    I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

    I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

    I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

    I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

    I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

    I want to believe that anything is possible.

    I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

    I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

    I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

    So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're It!"

  3. #253
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra.

    2% aspirin
    2% ibuprofen
    1% Vitamin C
    95% Fix-A-Flat


  4. #254
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    A witch joke

    What do you get if you cross a witches cat with Father Christmas?

    Santa Claws!



    A witch joke

    What do you call it when a witches cat falls off a broomstick?

    A catastrophe!



    A witch joke

    Why are black cats such good singers?

    They're very mewsical!

  5. #255
    Senior Member Sunny Beaches's Avatar
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    2009 Joke of the Year
















    Two women were sitting together, quietly.

  6. #256
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Mechanic vs. Pilot

    MECHANIC VS. PILOT

    Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

    The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had a fatal accident.

    P(ilots): Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S(olutions): Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

  7. #257
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .
    As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
    the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
    used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats
    were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put
    out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

    She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

    A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

  8. #258
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy..

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

    HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

  9. #259
    Senior Member Sunny Beaches's Avatar
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    wedding anniversary

    Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really hacked. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

    The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his
    wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral Services @ Days.
    Last edited by Sunny Beaches; 02-06-2010 at 03:37 PM.

  10. #260
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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