HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

[arubamark]

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

My Mother Taught Me ….

1. To Appreciate a Job Well Done:
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
2. Religion:
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.
3. Time Travel:
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week.
4. Logic:
Because I said so, that’s why.
5. More Logic:
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.
6. Foresight:
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.
7. Irony:
Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.
8. Osmosis:
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
9. Contortionism:
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!
10. Stamina:
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
11. Weather:
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
12. Hypocrisy:
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate.
13. Circle of Life:
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
14. Behavior Modification:
Stop acting like your father!
15. Envy:
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.
16. Anticipation:
Just wait until we get home.
17. Receiving:
You are going to get it when you get home.
18. Medical Science:
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way.
19. ESP:
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?
20. Humor:
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.
21. How to Become an Adult:
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
22. Genetics:
You’re just like your father.
23. Roots:
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you live in a barn?
24. Wisdom:
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
25. Justice:
One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

[BostonAK]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. My wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager
Howie

(just wanted to share a funny story with the forum)

[mjn109]

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Hilarous! You did not do those things did you???

Thanks for the laugh...most needed in CT w/the impending doom of yet ANOTHER snowstorm on our horizon!!!!!

[Rekenna]

That was hysterical - need to send it to my husband, who also hates shopping.

[TomFrederick]

If anyone has second thoughts about getting one please please get it done.
I almost put it off too long. When I finally had it done the doctor discovered a blockage ( on a Friday)that required surgery to remove. The surgeon could not operate until I had a barium enima(sp?) done the next Wednesday to see how much colon he needed to remove. That next Monday the surgery was done. Yes it was cancer but the surgeon thinks he got it all. To be on the safe side a cancer doctor recommend chemo for 2 months. That was like 4 years ago and a couple of scans since then and all is good. But been back to Aruba every year so please gets yours done if you want to enjoy cold Amtel Bright Beer on the great Aruban beaches like I do. Since I saw 3 different doctors in 11 days and the operation was done on the 11th day I am very happy with my present health insurance. Just hope Congress does not screw it up.

[Orrin]

Morris, a Washington DC Bureaucrat, moves to the country and
decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local
co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op
man complies.

A week later Morris returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me
500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must
really be doing well!"

"Naw," said Morris with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep
or too far apart!"

[Bill]

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . ...

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babies.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:




'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4


'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other..'

Karl - age 5


'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6


'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4


'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7


'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8


'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)


'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)


'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7


'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6


'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8


'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6


'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5


'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7


'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4


'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4


'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7


'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6


'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8


And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

[Andrea J.]

Some questions asked of Canadian Tourism

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow
the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (
Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? (
England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading
purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure,
the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you
get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where
the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent,
eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[cindyo]



Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,

"Only you Darling -

With all the others I was awake"

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

[Bill]

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.



The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor, do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline assistance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in the interest of fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .....