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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #271
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    bill
    love your last post
    especially #10

  2. #272
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    The Stress Diet

    Breakfast
    1 grapefruit
    1 slice whole wheat toast
    1 cup skim milk

    Lunch
    1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
    1 cup spinach
    1 cup herbal tea
    1 Hershey's kiss

    Afternoon Tea
    1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
    1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

    Dinner
    4 glasses of wine (red or white)
    2 loaves garlic bread
    1 family size supreme pizza
    3 Snickers Bars

    Late Night Snack
    1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

    Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

  3. #273
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    A Test For Being Drunk


    A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.


    He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."


    The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."


    "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."


    "Well, then we need a urine sample."


    "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."


    "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."


    "I can't do that, officer."


    "Why not?"


    "Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

  4. #274
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    > The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
    >
    > "Hello?"
    >
    > "Mrs. Sanders, please."
    >
    > "Speaking."
    >
    > "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
    >
    > "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
    >
    > "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
    >
    > "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
    >
    > "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
    >
    > ''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
    >
    > "The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

  5. #275
    Aruba since 1979
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    good one bill

  6. #276
    Aruba since 1979
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    from EDRONENBERG

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
    processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
    printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
    "You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

  7. #277
    Senior Member Sunny Beaches's Avatar
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    :
    This is a story out of the Arizona Desert on March 30, 2010

    Facts: some true, some not!
    The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, we know who they are, Teddy & Amanda!

    I (Jim) yard work day, edge, mow, trim, prune, etc. front only 4 to 5 hours, OK 1/2 hour, I live in AZ. I come in the house and my back hurts, so I take a happy pill (Doc has no trouble refilling since it takes me 6 to 7 months with a 30 day supply, No accidental Hollywood OD here). I then come up and log in to the Swamp, (This is a board I visit from Aruba) and there's a Happy Hour going on, you betcha I'm in. I go down and make a Rum & diet by the time I sit back down #1 is half gone, I read a few post, round 2 coming up, I get back in front of the screen and see the time, and know Teri is do home any minute. So back down I go to make her a cocktail, why waste time, so I chug #2 and go on to #3. We talk for a few minutes about her work, and how she has been volunteered for extra. I ask if she's hungry yet, Her responce Good Lord you took a pill.

    Luck has it I already have the burgers ready so I go to light the the grill and as it warms up check the mail, a dress arrives that Teri ordered, and I do remember something about, shoes purses,jewelry, but I can't go there right now because I have this 1 man box open(will go see what I did yesterday later). So after dinner I say I need to lay down a minute, 2 hours later I get up, Teri is watching TV, I'm in time to make #3 for her #5 for me. I go on to tell her about a dream I had, and she says what the Hell happen to your arm, I look down and my left arm from elbow to armpit is scratched with a little blood. I don't know then from out of the blue comes flying, a Yorkshire Terrorist, Tasmanian Devil AKA , my little girl Bailey, she latches onto my arm, and starts going at 110 mph. At this point Teri is ROTF laughing so hard there are tears, with the comment she last longer than you. I say whaaat, I know it's not like it was 25 years ago, but I'm still good for 1/2 hour right? Teri says Jim sit we need to talk, then she says Jim the 29 & 1/2 minutes it takes you to
    shower,comb your hair, shave,brush your teeth,light candles,pour a glass of wine, turn the bed back, DOES
    NOT COUNT!


  8. #278
    Aruba since 1979
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    i am confused and have now read this 3x.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Beaches View Post
    :
    This is a story out of the Arizona Desert on March 30, 2010

    Facts: some true, some not!
    The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, we know who they are, Teddy & Amanda!

    I (Jim) yard work day, edge, mow, trim, prune, etc. front only 4 to 5 hours, OK 1/2 hour, I live in AZ. I come in the house and my back hurts, so I take a happy pill (Doc has no trouble refilling since it takes me 6 to 7 months with a 30 day supply, No accidental Hollywood OD here). I then come up and log in to the Swamp, (This is a board I visit from Aruba) and there's a Happy Hour going on, you betcha I'm in. I go down and make a Rum & diet by the time I sit back down #1 is half gone, I read a few post, round 2 coming up, I get back in front of the screen and see the time, and know Teri is do home any minute. So back down I go to make her a cocktail, why waste time, so I chug #2 and go on to #3. We talk for a few minutes about her work, and how she has been volunteered for extra. I ask if she's hungry yet, Her responce Good Lord you took a pill.

    Luck has it I already have the burgers ready so I go to light the the grill and as it warms up check the mail, a dress arrives that Teri ordered, and I do remember something about, shoes purses,jewelry, but I can't go there right now because I have this 1 man box open(will go see what I did yesterday later). So after dinner I say I need to lay down a minute, 2 hours later I get up, Teri is watching TV, I'm in time to make #3 for her #5 for me. I go on to tell her about a dream I had, and she says what the Hell happen to your arm, I look down and my left arm from elbow to armpit is scratched with a little blood. I don't know then from out of the blue comes flying, a Yorkshire Terrorist, Tasmanian Devil AKA , my little girl Bailey, she latches onto my arm, and starts going at 110 mph. At this point Teri is ROTF laughing so hard there are tears, with the comment she last longer than you. I say whaaat, I know it's not like it was 25 years ago, but I'm still good for 1/2 hour right? Teri says Jim sit we need to talk, then she says Jim the 29 & 1/2 minutes it takes you to
    shower,comb your hair, shave,brush your teeth,light candles,pour a glass of wine, turn the bed back, DOES
    NOT COUNT!


  9. #279
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    It turns out that the "Old King Cole" of nursery rhyme fame is
    loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

    The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the
    entire fiefdom's crop of lettuce be diced and drenched in
    mayonnaise.

    He called it, of course, Cole's Law.

  10. #280
    Member fry120's Avatar
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    Whoever wrote that def had a few drinks and took some pills. I'm confused too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Beaches View Post
    :
    This is a story out of the Arizona Desert on March 30, 2010

    Facts: some true, some not!
    The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, we know who they are, Teddy & Amanda!

    I (Jim) yard work day, edge, mow, trim, prune, etc. front only 4 to 5 hours, OK 1/2 hour, I live in AZ. I come in the house and my back hurts, so I take a happy pill (Doc has no trouble refilling since it takes me 6 to 7 months with a 30 day supply, No accidental Hollywood OD here). I then come up and log in to the Swamp, (This is a board I visit from Aruba) and there's a Happy Hour going on, you betcha I'm in. I go down and make a Rum & diet by the time I sit back down #1 is half gone, I read a few post, round 2 coming up, I get back in front of the screen and see the time, and know Teri is do home any minute. So back down I go to make her a cocktail, why waste time, so I chug #2 and go on to #3. We talk for a few minutes about her work, and how she has been volunteered for extra. I ask if she's hungry yet, Her responce Good Lord you took a pill.

    Luck has it I already have the burgers ready so I go to light the the grill and as it warms up check the mail, a dress arrives that Teri ordered, and I do remember something about, shoes purses,jewelry, but I can't go there right now because I have this 1 man box open(will go see what I did yesterday later). So after dinner I say I need to lay down a minute, 2 hours later I get up, Teri is watching TV, I'm in time to make #3 for her #5 for me. I go on to tell her about a dream I had, and she says what the Hell happen to your arm, I look down and my left arm from elbow to armpit is scratched with a little blood. I don't know then from out of the blue comes flying, a Yorkshire Terrorist, Tasmanian Devil AKA , my little girl Bailey, she latches onto my arm, and starts going at 110 mph. At this point Teri is ROTF laughing so hard there are tears, with the comment she last longer than you. I say whaaat, I know it's not like it was 25 years ago, but I'm still good for 1/2 hour right? Teri says Jim sit we need to talk, then she says Jim the 29 & 1/2 minutes it takes you to
    shower,comb your hair, shave,brush your teeth,light candles,pour a glass of wine, turn the bed back, DOES
    NOT COUNT!


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