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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #301
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    LOL LOL LOL That is funny, Bill!! I am just depressed I can't find the 10 people to send it to. LOL LOL LOL

  2. #302
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.


    "Mrs. Sanders, please."


    "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When
    your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a
    biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now
    uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way
    the results are not too good."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and
    the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is

    "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.

    "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay
    for these expensive tests just one time."

    ''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

    "The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your
    husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way
    home, don't sleep with him."

  3. #303
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Any beach, party, bar or Casino!!!!!!
    Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Drunk
    10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
    9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
    8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
    7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
    6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
    5. You fall off the floor.
    5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
    4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
    3. Roseanne looks good.
    2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
    1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

  4. #304
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    "Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

    -- Jay Leno

  5. #305
    Aruba since 1979
    Andrea J.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Top Ten Complaints From Dogs

    Blaming your farts on me.....
    not funny... not funny at all!

    Yelling at me for barking...
    I'M A DOG!

    Taking me for a walk, then not letting me
    check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this

    Any trick that involves balancing food on
    my nose. Stop it!

    Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
    Now you know why we chew your stuff
    up when you're not home.

    The sleight of hand, fake, fetch, & throw.
    You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo
    what a proud moment for the top of the
    food chain!

    Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then
    acting surprised when I freak out every time
    we go back!

    Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of
    your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite
    mastered that handshake thing yet.

    Dog sweaters. Hello?
    Haven't you noticed the fur?
    I had to erase #10 as it was a little over the top for a G or PG rated site

  6. #306
    Aruba since 1979
    Andrea J.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Passing Gas in Church

    An elderly couple are attending church services.
    About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
    It says, " I just let out a silent gas toot. What do you think I should

    He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."

  7. #307
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Any beach, party, bar or Casino!!!!!!
    A Really Bad Day
    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

    "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

  8. #308
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

    The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

    The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again.

    Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming - "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You have ruined me!"

    The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"

    "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

  9. #309
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Marooned Irishman

    One day, an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island

    for over ten years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,

    "It's certainly not a ship".

    As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibility

    of it being a small boat or a raft.. Suddenly, there strode from the surf

    a figure clad in a black wetsuit.

    After putting aside the scuba tank and mask, and unzipping the top of

    the wetsuit, the Irishman could see that the figure was a drop-dead

    gorgeous blonde!

    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "Tell me, how long

    has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the

    left sleeve of her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigars and a

    lighter. The Irishman took a cigar, lit it, and took a long, deep drag.

    "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost

    forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish

    whiskey?" asked the blonde.
    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped

    a pocket, removed a flask, and handed it to him. He opened the

    flask and took a long drink.

    "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!

    At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long

    front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the

    trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you

    played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in

    there too!"

  10. #310
    Senior Member cindyo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Reniassance Island & Surf Club Lazy River

    grandfather & grandson

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
    >>> behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands
    >>> full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits
    >>> in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soft drinks in the
    >>> other aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
    >>> voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another
    >>> outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William,
    >>> just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there,
    >>> boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
    >>> and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
    >>> buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
    >>> William."
    >>> Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
    >>> loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the
    >>> elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in
    >>> there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your
    >>> composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
    >>> calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have
    >>> you as his granddad."
    >>> "Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William... the little
    >>> bastard's name is Roger."

    Palm Beach March 2016
    Aruba May & June 2016
    Aruba Dec 2016 NYE

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