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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #311
    Senior Member corona's Avatar
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    A Biologist's Mother's Day Song (cute)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osWuWjbeO-Y
    No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem
    Next Aruba trip in
    Loving Aruba Since Honeymoon 1984

  2. #312
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Selling War Insurance


    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.


    It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.


    Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:


    "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."


    "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

  3. #313
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Our lager,
    Which art in barrels,
    Hallowed be thy drink.
    Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
    At home as it is in the pub.
    Give us this day our foamy head,
    And forgive us our spillage's,
    As we forgive those who spill against us.
    And lead us not to incarceration,
    But deliver us from hangovers.
    For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
    BARMEN.

  4. #314
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Kitchen Wisdom

    Kitchen Wisdom



    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips

    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake!
    You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!


    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix.
    Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.


    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

    Go to the bakery!
    Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!


    If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

    If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
    Please recite with me the real woman's motto:
    'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'


    Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    Celery?
    Never heard of it!


    Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.


    Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!


    If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves.
    They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.


    Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    Leftover Wine??????
    HELLO!!!!!!!

  5. #315
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    OLD FART PRIDE
    I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of O Canada (or The Star Spangled Banner). Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

    Old Farts remember World War II, D day, VE day, Norma ndy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam . .

    If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

    Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

    Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

    Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or
    Grandchildren.

    It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

    This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

    We need them now more than ever.

    Thank God for Old Farts!

    I was taught to respect my elders.
    It's just getting harder to find them

  6. #316
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Bad night! I have to say a dirty word!

    Mud!!!

  7. #317
    Senior Member Orrin's Avatar
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    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman... He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

    Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

    A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

    Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

    A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

    Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

    A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

    Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

    A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

    Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

    A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

    Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

    A: 'Yes sir.'

    Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

    A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

    The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

  8. #318
    Senior Member corona's Avatar
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    No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem
    Next Aruba trip in
    Loving Aruba Since Honeymoon 1984

  9. #319
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    Quote Originally Posted by corona View Post
    This is too funny. I sent it to all my friends, just to make their day!
    Pat

  10. #320
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    yup me too
    i posted it on my facebook wall
    :-)
    Quote Originally Posted by Love Aruba View Post
    This is too funny. I sent it to all my friends, just to make their day!
    Pat

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