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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #331
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    This August has

    5 Sundays,
    5 Mondays,
    5 Tuesdays,
    all in one month.

    It happens once in 823 years.


    I probably will miss it next time!

  2. #332
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    A husband asks his wife, "Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?"
    The wife replies "Take half and leave your ass!"
    "Okay, I won $12 take $6 and get the h*ll out!"

  3. #333
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Please read this if you suffer or if you know someone (or are related to someone) who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is a real condition and should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a sufferer right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity, but we can raise awareness. 93% won't Copy and Paste this because they don't know how to Copy and Paste

  4. #334
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Feline Physics Laws


    Law of Cat Inertia


    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.


    Law of Cat Motion


    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.


    Law of Cat Magnetism


    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.


    Law of Cat Thermodynamics


    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.


    Law of Cat Stretching


    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.


    Law of Cat Sleeping


    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.


    Law of Cat Elongation


    A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.


    Law of Cat Obstruction


    A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.


    Law of Cat Acceleration


    A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.


    Law of Dinner Table Attendance


    Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.


    Law of Rug Configuration


    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.


    Law of Obedience Resistance


    A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.


    First Law of Energy Conservation


    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.


    Second Law of Energy Conservation


    Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.


    Law of Refrigerator Observation


    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.


    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction


    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.


    Law of Random Comfort Seeking


    A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.


    Law of Bag/Box Occupancy


    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.


    Law of Cat Embarrassment


    A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.


    Law of Milk Consumption


    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.


    Law of Furniture Replacement


    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.


    Law of Cat Landing


    A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.


    Law of Fluid Displacement


    A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.


    Law of Cat Disinterest


    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.


    Law of Pill Rejection


    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.


    Law of Cat Composition


    A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

  5. #335
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    great "cat" postings bill.

  6. #336
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    All are really funny but the first one takes the cake.

  7. #337
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    Quote Originally Posted by Andrea J. View Post
    a little riskier than pg-13

    There was an elderly man that sat despondantly day after day in his wheelchair at the nursing home's garden.
    A woman, also a nursing home resident wandered up to him and asked if there was something she could do to make him feel better, less depressed and despondent.
    He unzipped his pants and asked her to "just hold it".
    She saw nothing wrong with that request and continued the holding ritual every afternoon for many weeks.
    One day she went to the garden to sit and "hold".
    The man wasn't in his usual location.
    The woman became distressed and looked around.
    Lo and behold she found him in another section of the garden with ANOTHER WOMAN "holding it".
    Later, in the nursing home's dining room she confronted the man and said "I am disappointed to have found you with another woman. What does she have that I don't have?"

    His reply.........................

    private message me

    Not sure if I get the answer to this one already...can't remember...so what was his reply?

  8. #338
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    "ufo"

    A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

    "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

    "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

    "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

    "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

    "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

    "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

    "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

    The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
    working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
    'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

  9. #339
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
    A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.
    “Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
    “In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”
    “Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously



  10. #340
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Sign behind an Amish carriage:

    "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

    CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

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