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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #341
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    The New Teacher

    The New Teacher


    Having served his time with the Marine Corps,
    a man became a school teacher and before
    school started he injured his back. He was
    required to wear a plaster cast around the
    upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast
    fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

    On the first day of class, he found himself
    assigned to the toughest students in the
    school. Walking confidently into the rowdy
    classroom, he opened the window wide and
    sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze
    made his tie flap, he took a stapler and
    stapled the tie to his chest.

    He had no trouble with discipline that year...

  2. #342
    Senior Member Windy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bill View Post
    Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
    A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.
    “Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
    “In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”
    “Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously


    Bill, I laughed so hard I nearly fell on the floor!

  3. #343
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    An older gentleman was on a nursing home search for his wife who now needed skilled care. He had an appointment at one of the nice facilities in his town. He went there to speak with the administrator and social worker about his wife. As he approached the place he noticed a bunch of old women lounging "naked" on the front lawn of the nursing home.
    The man's eyes almost burst out of their sockets. He was shocked.
    He entered the nursing home and met the kind folks for the meeting.
    He first said to them, "i happened to notice a bunch of naked women on the front lawn
    and that concerns me".
    The administrator reassured him and said "these women are old retired prostitutes that now live her".
    He continued "they are having a yard sale."

  4. #344
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Two of the white haired ladies were sitting next to each other. One leans over to her friend and says, "I wish they'd buy cushions for these pews. My rear-end is asleep."

    The friend looks at her and says, "I know. I've heard it snoring a couple of times."

  5. #345
    Senior Member qlaval's Avatar
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    Teacher:
    If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny:
    Seven, Sir.

    Teacher:
    No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny:
    Seven

    Teacher:
    Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny:
    Six.

    Teacher:
    Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny:
    Seven!!!


    A very angry Teacher:
    Where the f *ck do you get seven from?!?!?


    Very angry Johnny:
    Because I've already got a f *ckin' cat at home!!!

  6. #346
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    Children Are Quick

    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: Maria.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    ___________________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    __________________________________
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________
    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
    ________________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
    ______________________________________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ______________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
    ___________________________________
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher.

  7. #347
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Man's Best Friend...


    A Dog is truly a Man's Best Friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

    Put your Dog and your Wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

    When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

  8. #348
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    bill how can your wife live with you???

  9. #349
    Senior Member elisabeth_nj's Avatar
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    Short Novel

    Romance Novel Material

    He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
    into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
    alone.

    He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,
    reassuring voice close to my ear, "Just relax."

    Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
    hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
    calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I
    should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
    experienced, so sure....

    When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and
    partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing
    fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,
    full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,
    knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid
    them down my tingling spine, and into my panties.

    Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
    expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
    man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me
    what he wanted. A man who would look deep into my soul and say ...

    "Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

    My eyes snapped open. He was standing in front of me, smiling, and
    holding out my purse for me. "You can board your flight now."

  10. #350
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Andrea J. View Post
    bill how can your wife live with you???

    Andrea, she is a Saint. Trust me.

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