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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #361
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    You’re Under Arrest
    Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the man in front doesn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. She begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.

    The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

    The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

    After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake, but you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. Then I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” and “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you stole the car.

  2. #362
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.

    He asked, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?”

    The Saudi replied, “Excuse me, but what is a shortage?”

    The Russian said, “Excuse me, but what is meat?”

    The North Korean replied, “Excuse me, but what is an opinion?”

    The New Yorker replied, “What is ‘excuse me’?”

  3. #363
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    How Irish dancing really got started.

    http://videos2view.net/irish-dance.htm

  4. #364
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    swimming in the ocean

    There is this atheist . swimming in the ocean All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

    As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

    In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

    Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

    The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

    As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

    Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

  5. #365
    Senior Member luvsun's Avatar
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    For all you Packer fans….and would be ones

    Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Packer Fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks -- like I said, my boy's a typical Green Bay baby boy."
    Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!". One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
    Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
    The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
    The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
    "...Had him circumcised!"

  6. #366
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Spread the Stupidity

    Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    Only in America... do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

    EVER WONDER

    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?


    Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

    Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

    Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    I like this one! If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

  7. #367
    Senior Member corona's Avatar
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    Some British humor.


    My blackberry is not working!


    http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm
    No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem
    Next Aruba trip in
    Loving Aruba Since Honeymoon 1984

  8. #368
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    why do they call it the parkway where you drive,and the driveway where you park?

  9. #369
    Senior Member corona's Avatar
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    Subject: Men's Age, as determined by a trip to Home Depot...

    A very sound assessment of the life of any male. . .

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

    Depending on your age you might do the following:

    In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register...

    In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

    In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

    In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

    In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.

    In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

    In your 90's & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? to you Did you send it to me? Where'd the heck it come from?
    No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem
    Next Aruba trip in
    Loving Aruba Since Honeymoon 1984

  10. #370
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Never question your significant
    other’s judgment. After all they did
    choose you.

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