HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

[Arubalisa]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... .. ..

'B_ _ _ _ _ _s won't let me fart.'

[Arubalisa]

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses Are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[Arubalisa]

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale .'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special Forces. You know the reputation of them Green Berets.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 Army years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he 's such a bs'r. He never did any of that s _ _ t. He was in the Navy.'

[Andrea J.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f86qKQJg3Z8

volume up!

[Arubalisa]

Originally Posted by Andrea J.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f86qKQJg3Z8

volume up!

I was in the office laughing so hard the family came running!

[cindyo]

Andrea...that is so great ! Thanks for posting....cindyo

[cindyo]

Short and Funny..................

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.


'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.


'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.




A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.


'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.




Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'








On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

[DANNYO]

Funny...............

[cindyo]

My five-year old students are learning to read.
> Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
>
> I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'
>
> 'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!' ;
>
> And so it does...
>
> ' A f r i c a n Elephant '
>
> Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
>
>
>

[DANNYO]

Now thats a smart kid