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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #71
    Senior Member danadog56's Avatar
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    Mark, haven't made up my mind yet....but I have a question......LOL...

    Merry Christmas
    ARUBA....HOME AWAY FROM HOME

  2. #72
    Senior Member DANNYO's Avatar
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    Mark,
    Your getting good at this ,start a stand up act at the Jersey shore or Atlantic City.Merry Christmas to you and your family,the little ones will keep you busy Christmas day.

  3. #73
    Senior Member arubamark's Avatar
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    Drunk Husband......Priceless

    Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
    Party.

    He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

    Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
    that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins, cringes whe n he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

    Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
    kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, Darling! Love,
    Jillian'

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning
    newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks: 'Son... what happened last night?'

    'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

    'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
    breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

    His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bit&*, I'm married!'

    Broken Coffee Table $239.99

    Hot Breakfast $4.20

    Two Aspirins $.38

    Saying the right thing, at the right time......priceless!!

  4. #74
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    LMAO!! Luv it!

  5. #75
    Senior Member DANNYO's Avatar
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    LUCKY GUY.....






  6. #76
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Settling A Cow Case

    Settling A Cow Case


    A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.


    The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.


    The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.


    After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"


    The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

  7. #77
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Speaking of cows ...

    The headline on Drudge says it all...

    "FEDS EYE $175 COW TAX FOR CLIMATE CRIMES..." the "real" headline below...

    http://www.businessandmedia.org/articles/2008/20081230165231.aspx
    EPA 'Cow Tax' Could Charge $175 per Dairy Cow to Curb Greenhouse Gases
    Farm Bureau warns just this one rule may increase milk production costs up to 8 cents a gallon.

  8. #78
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    Engineers Vs Accountants

    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.



    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.



    "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.



    They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.



    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.



    The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.



    When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.



    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.



    "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.



    When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.



    Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

  9. #79
    Senior Member arubamark's Avatar
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    Best sign ever seen in a grocery store


  10. #80
    Senior Member arubamark's Avatar
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    Pretty funny

    Dear employees,
    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy,
    Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of
    age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire
    Aged People Early).
    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
    SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been
    RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme
    Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice
    and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
    Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
    Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
    Severance).
    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
    further by Management.
    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
    (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided
    itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do
    not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.
    They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

    Sincerely,
    The Management

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