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Thread: HUMOR (no profanity PG13 )

  1. #81
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Question Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?


  2. #82
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    Visit To Rome

    A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
    The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
    "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
    "We're taking TWA," the man replies.
    "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
    The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
    "That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
    The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
    "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
    A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
    "No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
    "Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
    "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
    "Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
    "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
    Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
    "Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"

  3. #83
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Talking Three Ladies in a Sauna

    Three woman, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

    Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.

    That was my pager. She said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

    A few minutes later, a phone rang.

    The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

    The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

    The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

    The older woman finally said..."Well, look at that! I am getting a FAX!!!"

  4. #84
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Problems with your computer???

    I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

    Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

    He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

    Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

    'No,' I replied.

    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

    So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

    I used to like the little .

  5. #85
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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    woman in the grocery store

    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."


    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."


    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."


    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.


    The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

  6. #86
    Senior Member hstvns's Avatar
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    CHINESE SICK LEAVE


    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I reallysick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."


    The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."


    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house."

  7. #87
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    To My Loving Wife

    A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
    In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
    To: My Loving Wife
    From: Your Departed Husband
    Subject: I've Arrived!
    I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
    (P.S. Sure is hot down here!) Shelly

  8. #88
    Senior Member Arubalisa's Avatar
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    Smile Rules To Live By

    Rules To Live By --

    1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
    2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
    3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
    6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
    8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
    11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
    12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
    13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
    14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
    15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
    16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
    19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
    23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
    25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
    26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
    word would be "meetings."
    27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
    28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
    29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
    30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
    31. Never lick a steak knife.
    32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
    33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
    34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
    35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
    36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
    37. Your friends love you anyway.
    38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

  9. #89
    Aruba since 1979
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    Andrea J.'s Avatar
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    a little MAINE humor


  10. #90
    Senior Member Bill's Avatar
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