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Andrea J.
06-29-2008, 08:13 AM
If we have a ha ha ha ha to pass on, here is the thread.
I will keep it up top as a "sticky"

andrea

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written in structions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
moviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then
you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
moviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep Experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times
when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point,
as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,
'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for
something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka
in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full
Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
were Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to
Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because
I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was
all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

DANNYO
06-29-2008, 11:24 AM
:eek::eek::eek:I had it done about two years ago,and it wasn't as funny as the story makes it sound.....REALLY YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM.This brings back memories..P.S. Mine also turned out good.:):):)

danadog56
06-29-2008, 02:06 PM
I have not had the pleasure.....but I can attest to the fact my husband had a wonderful time.....LOL

Arubalisa
06-29-2008, 02:18 PM
:eek:I had it done about two years ago,and it wasn't as funny as the story makes it sound.....REALLY YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM.This brings back memories..P.S. Mine also turned out good.:)
:eek: :eek: Oh my...I could not agree with you more. I was due again this year and was able to talk the doctor into waiting one more year. I am too young for this c * * p :rolleyes:, but once you have problems...:( I honestly cannot think of anything worse to have to prepare for. :mad: You would think in this day and age there would be an easier way...:doh:

cindyo
06-29-2008, 05:33 PM
Oh jes, I can feel the pain.....I can laugh at this, but not when I had to prepare for one....Not one of the highlights in my life...

Andrea J.
06-29-2008, 06:55 PM
A man retired and he wife thought he was being a nuisance hanging around the house underfoot.
The retired man became more and more depressed having nothing to do and being bored at home.

The wife dragged the husband to the doctor and he examined the man, told the man that he was FINE and then the dr. asked to speak confidentially to the man's wife.

The doctor said " your husband needs SEXUAL activity or he will die. You need to cater to his every whim and be a submissive housewife."

Later in the car driving home, the man said to his wife............"what did the doctor say to you?"
The wife said.........
"you're gonna die".
;)

Arubalisa
06-29-2008, 08:14 PM
Woman's Remote Control

rob o
06-29-2008, 09:32 PM
From what I've seen on this thread, the low season has officially arrived on aruba.com!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Arubalisa
06-30-2008, 04:18 PM
From what I've seen on this thread, the low season has officially arrived on aruba.com!:rolleyes::rolleyes:
Well to keep you busy then...:) ;)

These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't
been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh
9.. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'






See below for answers:

Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons.
Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing seas on. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
6. Three English words beginning with dw.
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.
Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 's' .
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

rob o
06-30-2008, 09:43 PM
Well to keep you busy then...:) ;)

These are not trick questions.

Fun stuff! Thread is improving!

Arubalisa
07-01-2008, 11:01 AM
Girlie Wisdom!

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my

mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?

That's my idea of a perfect day! ;)

Andrea J.
07-01-2008, 02:54 PM
a little riskier than pg-13

There was an elderly man that sat despondantly day after day in his wheelchair at the nursing home's garden.
A woman, also a nursing home resident wandered up to him and asked if there was something she could do to make him feel better, less depressed and despondent.
He unzipped his pants and asked her to "just hold it".
She saw nothing wrong with that request and continued the holding ritual every afternoon for many weeks.
One day she went to the garden to sit and "hold".
The man wasn't in his usual location.
The woman became distressed and looked around.
Lo and behold she found him in another section of the garden with ANOTHER WOMAN "holding it".
Later, in the nursing home's dining room she confronted the man and said "I am disappointed to have found you with another woman. What does she have that I don't have?"

His reply.........................

private message me













:eek:

cindyo
07-01-2008, 04:39 PM
nah, I wouldn't ban you...now if it was mickey with the ax I would....

Andrea J.
07-01-2008, 05:53 PM
mickey with the ax was disgusting
where do folks get that crap?


nah, I wouldn't ban you...now if it was mickey with the ax I would....

Arubalisa
07-02-2008, 01:17 PM
Seeing Eye Dog

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”

He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

Orrin
07-13-2008, 11:09 PM
An Amish farmer out in Pennnsylvania walking through his field,
notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
dahin gesheissen." Which means, "Don't drink the water, the cows
have crapped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your
gibberish.? Speak English, infidel!"??

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, You'll get more."

Arubalisa
07-14-2008, 08:52 AM
Welcome to the forum Orrin! :)

Orrin
07-16-2008, 07:28 PM
Blonde Caller: "Can you give the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about."

Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5 of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall
socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me
the number for Jack?"

nitroy2k
07-26-2008, 09:15 AM
Have you watched tv serie 24? Well if u did this will make u laugh until you cry :)

http://fliiby.com/file/54556/woam9fd3b0.html

Arubalisa
07-26-2008, 10:00 AM
Have you watched tv serie 24? Well if u did this will make u laugh until you cry :)

http://fliiby.com/file/54556/woam9fd3b0.html
Came up a Miley Cyrus video. :confused: Have a lot of that already around this household. :doh:

nitroy2k
07-26-2008, 03:17 PM
Hahah parrody on SCOOBY DOO CSI! :)
Welma got owned :) and now they are investigating :)

http://fliiby.com/file/54467/8m5we0s1js.html

nitroy2k
07-27-2008, 06:45 AM
Lol so STUPID but SO FUNNY .. damm i laughed like crazzy :) U have to see this ;)

http://fliiby.com/file/54670/8peg5q70r7.html

nitroy2k
07-27-2008, 12:54 PM
Well we all usualy have that a a a when we are traying to speak :) but they over did it :)

http://fliiby.com/file/54763/vn0r4i682q.html

nitroy2k
07-28-2008, 01:43 AM
This guy goes above and beyond the call of dookie, to provide a most enjoyable restroom experience.

http://fliiby.com/file/52571/tcvqu9isbg.html

Arubalisa
08-04-2008, 11:02 PM
For Michele..."never judge a book by it's cover". ;)

How old are you?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

Arubalisa
08-06-2008, 09:03 AM
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible! ' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So wh at? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

Orrin
08-14-2008, 07:08 PM
The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at
Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition
of a contemporary term.

This year's term was 'Political Correctness'.

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Arubalisa
08-14-2008, 07:54 PM
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.":D :D Should that read propaganda and not proposition? ;) :p :D

rob o
08-14-2008, 08:05 PM
I don't know who this new guy, Orrin, is....but I like him already!

Arubalisa
08-14-2008, 08:30 PM
I don't know who this new guy, Orrin, is....but I like him already!His reputation preceeds him. :) He finds hilarious cartoons as well.

Andrea J.
10-03-2008, 05:17 PM
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
>
> We decided to grab a bite at the food court.. I noticed he was watching
>a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in
>all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
>him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
> >
> > When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter
>old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
> >
> > Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
>his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did
>not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had
> sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

cindyo
10-03-2008, 05:29 PM
OMG...how perfect...I can see it at my mall, friday nite...

danadog56
10-03-2008, 05:49 PM
OMG,,,too funny...I was trying to read it to my husband, but started laughing before the end....
great one......

Arubalisa
10-13-2008, 04:25 PM
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Arubalisa
10-17-2008, 11:19 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

Andrea J.
10-18-2008, 08:06 AM
hahaha love it.

Andrea J.
10-18-2008, 05:27 PM
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http://bl144w.blu144.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.175.119/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d803fc67c-6ba6-48cb-8e01-892b151d3b52.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUMjAwMzQyLmpwZw_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d 0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aX.MA2.1224083 259%2540aol.com&oneredir=1&ip=10.4.73.8&d=d1262&mf=80

Yesterday Bill Clinton registered as a Republican

cindyo
10-18-2008, 05:49 PM
OMG is that funny...especially since we make our kids go to parochial schools.....

Arubalisa
10-18-2008, 07:34 PM
I can't see it. :(

vince
10-29-2008, 01:07 AM
First post was hilarous already...laughing my ass off. Please share more jokes :)

Arubalisa
11-11-2008, 10:43 AM
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... .. ..

'B_ _ _ _ _ _s won't let me fart.'

Arubalisa
11-12-2008, 12:02 PM
Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses Are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Arubalisa
11-12-2008, 12:05 PM
Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale .'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special Forces. You know the reputation of them Green Berets.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 Army years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he 's such a bs'r. He never did any of that s _ _ t. He was in the Navy.'

Andrea J.
11-12-2008, 07:43 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f86qKQJg3Z8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f86qKQJg3Z8)

volume up!

Arubalisa
11-12-2008, 08:04 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f86qKQJg3Z8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f86qKQJg3Z8)

volume up!
I was in the office laughing so hard the family came running! :eek: :doh: :D

cindyo
11-13-2008, 04:11 PM
Andrea...that is so great ! Thanks for posting....cindyo

cindyo
11-19-2008, 09:24 AM
Short and Funny..................

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.


'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.


'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.




A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.


'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.




Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'








On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

DANNYO
11-19-2008, 09:51 AM
Funny...............

cindyo
11-28-2008, 10:44 AM
My five-year old students are learning to read.
> Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
>
> I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'
>
> 'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!' ;
>
> And so it does...
>
> ' A f r i c a n Elephant '
>
> Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
>
>
>

DANNYO
11-28-2008, 02:41 PM
:doh:Now thats a smart kid:doh:

Bill
12-08-2008, 02:34 PM
A blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blond starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blond, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

Arubalisa
12-08-2008, 02:49 PM
'how many is a brazilian?'
:d :) :d

Arubalisa
12-11-2008, 09:44 AM
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand ! was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

cindyo
12-11-2008, 10:40 AM
Lisa..OMG is that good !

Arubalisa
12-11-2008, 05:10 PM
Santa's Gmail Account
http://www.aruba.com/vbgallery/files/9209-santas_gmail_thumb.jpg (http://www.aruba.com/vbgallery/showimage.php?i=516&c=3)

Arubalisa
12-12-2008, 10:10 AM
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies :)

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet.

Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !

Arubalisa
12-16-2008, 02:22 PM
Since I enjoyed this so much, I thought this would be my Christmas greeting to all.........

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

cindyo
12-16-2008, 07:20 PM
Lisa...what a great story. I can picture this whole senario...

arubamark
12-17-2008, 02:40 PM
Drew Peterson Engaged Though Still Married to Missing Wife

http://www.foxnews.com/images/foxnews_story.gif


The former police officer who is a suspect in the disappearance of his fourth wife and whose third wife died suspiciously in a bathtub plans to walk down the aisle for a fifth time.

Drew Peterson, 54, is engaged again, his lawyer and publicist confirmed Wednesday to FOXNews.com.
Though Peterson is still married to fourth wife Stacy, who was 23 when she disappeared last year, he has found a new 23-year-old fiancée, he told "Drew Peterson Exposed" author Derek Armstrong Tuesday.

"The kids have met her," said Armstrong. "They like her and they know about this engagement."
Peterson had two young children, Anthony, 6, and Lacy, 4, with Stacy Peterson. The missing mother's family contends she is dead.

Arubalisa
12-17-2008, 03:30 PM
OMG, I just read that article and said to myself, "That person needs a check up from the neck up." No good will come to her if past practice continues. :(

... in other crime related news :(, I was glad (???) to see that the Walsh family had some real closure yesterday on the killer of their son. The person who committed the horrendous crime already died in prison.

Bill
12-17-2008, 03:34 PM
Who is dumber? Him or the Wife to be?

arubamark
12-17-2008, 05:08 PM
OMG, I just read that article and said to myself, "That person needs a check up from the neck up." No good will come to her if past practice continues. :(

... in other crime related news :(, I was glad (???) to see that the Walsh family had some real closure yesterday on the killer of their son. The person who committed the horrendous crime already died in prison.


Yeah I read that also, at least they got some closure to it. I think the guy confesssed to his neice on his death bed and the neice came forward and informed the family.

DANNYO
12-17-2008, 05:33 PM
:doh:Smart guy...:confused:Dumb girl...????Does she read the paper or see the news on TV?????

Jarubian
12-17-2008, 07:45 PM
I think the wife to be is Dumber. Why after all 4 wife go missing, you want to be # 5? Than again she is only 23, young and naive.

cindyo
12-17-2008, 08:05 PM
Drew Peterson is one screwball....he creeps me out...what the freak is wrong with the new 23 yr. old chick...stupid or what??? He is no celebrity..

arubamark
12-17-2008, 08:10 PM
PARABLE . .

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.


The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.


Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.


Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.


The next year the Japanese won by two miles.


Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .
The End.


Here's something else to think about:
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
------------
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUnny !!!

danadog56
12-21-2008, 08:41 PM
that is just so depressing......if senior management were required by the government to be responsible for its losses this kind of obsurdity would not even come into play...........

Bill
12-22-2008, 05:53 PM
How A Xmas Tradition Began

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Xmas tree.
The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.

arubamark
12-24-2008, 10:40 AM
These are our rules!

Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.


:D:D:D:D:D

cindyo
12-24-2008, 12:25 PM
mark, good one "1."...love it, cindy

danadog56
12-24-2008, 01:59 PM
Mark, haven't made up my mind yet....but I have a question......LOL...

Merry Christmas

DANNYO
12-24-2008, 02:48 PM
Mark,
Your getting good at this ,start a stand up act at the Jersey shore or Atlantic City.Merry Christmas to you and your family,the little ones will keep you busy Christmas day.

arubamark
12-29-2008, 04:15 PM
Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes whe n he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, Darling! Love,
Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning
newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks: 'Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bit&*, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time......priceless!!

kthy66
12-29-2008, 06:55 PM
LMAO!! Luv it! :D:D

DANNYO
12-29-2008, 07:17 PM
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_6_44.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSman000)LUCKY GUY.....





http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb096&pp=ZSman000 (http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb096_ZSman000&utm_id=7924)

Bill
01-05-2009, 12:59 PM
Settling A Cow Case


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.


The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.


The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.


After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"


The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Arubalisa
01-05-2009, 02:05 PM
Speaking of cows :rolleyes: :eek:...

The headline on Drudge says it all...

"FEDS EYE $175 COW TAX FOR CLIMATE CRIMES... (http://www.businessandmedia.org/articles/2008/20081230165231.aspx)" the "real" headline below...

http://www.businessandmedia.org/articles/2008/20081230165231.aspx (http://www.businessandmedia.org/articles/2008/20081230165231.aspx)
EPA 'Cow Tax' Could Charge $175 per Dairy Cow to Curb Greenhouse Gases
Farm Bureau warns just this one rule may increase milk production costs up to 8 cents a gallon.

Bill
01-07-2009, 01:12 PM
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.



"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.



"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.



They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.



Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.



The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.



When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.



"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.



"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.



When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.



Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

arubamark
01-20-2009, 10:45 PM
http://i518.photobucket.com/albums/u346/kloniecki/sign.jpg?t=1232509451

arubamark
01-25-2009, 09:16 PM
Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of
age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire
Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been
RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme
Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice
and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided
itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do
not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management

Arubalisa
01-26-2009, 03:26 PM
http://www.fox.com/areyousmarter/features/index.htm (http://www.fox.com/areyousmarter/features/index.htm)

I am not, only scored 300,000 :(

elianna
01-27-2009, 08:59 AM
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"

Arubalisa
01-29-2009, 12:14 PM
Three woman, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.

That was my pager. She said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later, a phone rang.

The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said..."Well, look at that! I am getting a FAX!!!"

Arubalisa
02-02-2009, 11:23 AM
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little :censored:.

Bill
02-02-2009, 11:49 AM
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."


Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."


When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."


The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.


The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

hstvns
02-06-2009, 11:20 AM
CHINESE SICK LEAVE


Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I reallysick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."


The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house."

elianna
02-16-2009, 07:04 PM
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!) Shelly

Arubalisa
02-18-2009, 12:52 PM
Rules To Live By --

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Andrea J.
02-18-2009, 08:11 PM
a little MAINE humor

http://bl148w.blu148.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.113.183/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dcb77c8bd-c363-44a1-84be-691bbd7f0b4a.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dZmlsZTAxMS5qcGc_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26em pty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aX.MA38.1234734519%2 540aol.com&oneredir=1&ip=10.4.85.8&d=d3253&mf=80&a=01_87db2784481edb455ea32cb04b7a39dc69f03a6cefb9b 56561053f327742f5c4

Bill
02-25-2009, 09:17 PM
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=41655139


http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=41655139

danadog56
02-26-2009, 11:42 AM
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=41655139


http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=41655139

Just proves my theory about drinking vodka vs. beer !!!!!!
Vodka yes, beer no !!!

Arubalisa
03-02-2009, 02:09 PM
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

arubamark
03-03-2009, 09:24 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. </SPAN>

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."20

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"





(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people

Arubalisa
03-08-2009, 12:29 PM
Investment plan for today :)

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

Arubalisa
03-09-2009, 07:56 AM
Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall, but I have run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my Stimulus check.

Bill
03-15-2009, 07:00 PM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- ---------


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- ---------


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- ---------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- ---------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- ---------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- ---------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


------------ --------- ---------


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- ---------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were i n bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

cindyo
03-15-2009, 07:07 PM
Bill...all really good and funny, thanks

Arubalisa
03-15-2009, 09:06 PM
VERY cute Bill! :D

Andrea J.
03-21-2009, 08:11 PM
Menopause Jewelry




My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.


Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dummy.

Orrin
03-22-2009, 01:49 PM
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother
came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy
English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Arubalisa
03-22-2009, 02:26 PM
You are all killing me. Way too funny!

danadog56
03-22-2009, 03:07 PM
Way too funny...printed the last 3 pages out !!!!!

Orrin
03-23-2009, 08:26 PM
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he
points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he
removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?

This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize
bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer
is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
top of his lungs.....

'Your badge...Show him your badge !!!'

Bill
03-31-2009, 08:28 AM
>
>> One afternoon an ambulance-chasing lawyer was riding in his limousine when
>> he saw two men along the roadside eating handfuls of grass.* Disturbed, he
>> ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.* He asked one
>> man,
>> "Why are you eating grass?"* "We don't have any money for food," the poor
>> man replied.* "We have to eat grass."* "Well, then, you can come with me
>> to
>> my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.* "But sir, I have a wife and
>> two children with me.* They are over there, under that tree."* "Bring them
>> along," the lawyer replied.* Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You
>> come with us, also."* The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But
>> sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"* "Bring them all, as
>> well," the lawyer answered.* They all entered the car, which was no easy
>> task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.* Once underway, one of
>> the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.
>> Thank you for taking all of us with you."* The lawyer replied, "Glad to do
>> it.* You'll really love my place.* The grass is almost a foot high".
>>

Orrin
03-31-2009, 01:51 PM
A father is in church with three of his young children, including
his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very
front row so that the children could properly witness the
service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the
baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken
by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water
over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her
father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

Bill
03-31-2009, 07:45 PM
A father is in church with three of his young children, including
his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very
front row so that the children could properly witness the
service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the
baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken
by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water
over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her
father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"


Now that is funny!!!

Bill
04-01-2009, 12:41 PM
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

*

Orrin
04-01-2009, 01:39 PM
Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation's
economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and
most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of
the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the
sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the
cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found
that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would
use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany,
thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the
cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors
complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

Arubalisa
04-06-2009, 11:27 AM
cheap sioux veneer.:d :d :d :)

Arubalisa
04-06-2009, 11:29 AM
Proud to be a Jersey Girl

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Texas and told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from New Jersey. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

beckybnott
04-06-2009, 08:08 PM
did you hear about the two blondes standing on opposite sides of the pond ? One blonde said to the other blonde "how do I get to the other side" the other blonde reply's " You are on the other side..

Orrin
04-06-2009, 09:30 PM
On a distant planet, the dominant population was obsessed with
dental hygiene due to the fact that they had three complete
receding sets of mandibles.

They were so concerned with maintaining their teeth, that the
custom was to floss several times a day. To achieve this goal,
they grew a floss plant from which the fibers were extracted to
make the necessary product.

Being a scientifically advanced species especially in the area
of genetics, they developed a sub-species of workers by using
their own genetic print as a starting point. These clones were
specifically designed to harvest the plants, but were deficient
in other areas such as intelligence.

As long as they were supervised, they did a good job. However,
if left untended, they would usually wander aimlessly off. From
whence comes their expression: A strolling clone gathers no floss.

Bill
04-10-2009, 11:04 AM
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'
DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.
SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.
SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'
SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'
The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities. '
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.
'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.
'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.
'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.
'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

Orrin
04-11-2009, 02:35 PM
Things I learned from the Easter Bunny --

-Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
-Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
-There's no such thing as too much candy.
-A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
-Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
-Some body parts should be floppy.
-The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Orrin
04-14-2009, 02:56 PM
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the
forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Bill
04-20-2009, 01:06 PM
Finish Overseas Tour


A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.


The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.


He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"

Orrin
04-20-2009, 02:37 PM
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Bill
04-20-2009, 06:29 PM
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

:doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh:

I love a good laugh!!!

Orrin
04-23-2009, 06:36 PM
Human conception typically involves a chaotic dash by tens
of millions of sperm seeking a path to a single egg. Some
researchers believe that so many sperm are required because
not one of them will stop to ask for directions.

Bill
04-30-2009, 07:48 AM
Handling Teens


A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.


The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.


After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.


"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."


The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.


"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"


"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"


And the old man enjoyed peace.

cindyo
04-30-2009, 11:55 AM
Bill, my daughter has a GALA event at her HS this weekend....She is in drumline...and guess what they are playing...TRASH CANS !!!! cindyo

Bill
04-30-2009, 07:03 PM
Bill, my daughter has a GALA event at her HS this weekend....She is in drumline...and guess what they are playing...TRASH CANS !!!! cindyo

Thats to funny.

Orrin
05-01-2009, 10:59 PM
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his
crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew
became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me
my Red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red
shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the
pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the
crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were now TWO
pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear,
but the Captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. Once again the Captain and his
crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more
casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the
Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a Captain can
give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not
show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As
dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were
more pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their
way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their
leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever,
bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

cindyo
05-02-2009, 09:02 AM
Orrin...good one...I enjoy your excellent sence of humor !

Arubalisa
05-02-2009, 10:07 AM
Orrin...good one...I enjoy your excellent sence of humor !
Me too! :D

danadog56
05-02-2009, 09:30 PM
Me three !!!!!!

Orrin
05-03-2009, 12:44 AM
Orrin...good one...I enjoy your excellent sence of humor !

Thanks... there are a lot more if you click on the link under my signature!

Bill
05-03-2009, 09:05 PM
I think it will*work.

Orrin
05-04-2009, 07:11 PM
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During
the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive
and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he
started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and
the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's
thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and
said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose he took it do you?"

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter
just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle
from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the
young priest which read:

"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in
your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Bill
05-06-2009, 08:03 AM
Gun Control
A new political official, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to
slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in
total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands
together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the
quiet and said: ''Well, dumba**, stop clapping!'

Orrin
05-07-2009, 04:31 PM
Priest goes to barber shop for a haircut. He offers to pay when he
is finished. Barber refuses to take money from a 'man of the
cloth'. In appreciation, the Priest sends the barber a box of
chocolates.

Rabbi walks into same shop and is treated. He too offers to pay,
but barber insists he won't accept money from 'man of the cloth'.
In appreciation the Rabbi sends the barber 5 more rabbis.

Arubalisa
05-10-2009, 09:26 AM
http://www.theipinionsjournal.com/uploaded_images/mothersday-715759.jpg

Orrin
05-11-2009, 02:23 PM
A famous scientist found he was too busy and decided to clone
himself. When the clone was ready, the scientist started working
half days and allowed the clone to work the other half of the
time. Every thing seemed to be working out well except for one
small problem. The clone had a extremely foul mouth.

After awhile the scientist found that the clones manners and mouth
had cost him over half of his friends. The scientist decided he
had to take some action so he lured his clone to the roof of the
building and pushed him over the edge.

Immediately several FBI agents leaped out and arrested him.
The charge....? Making an obscene clone fall.

elianna
05-15-2009, 05:23 AM
Bad News
A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news".
The guy says, "well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "well sir you have Cancer".
The guy says "that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease".
"Well", answers the guy, "at least I don't have Cancer".

Orrin
05-15-2009, 09:49 PM
True Love

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never
behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you
either married it or gave birth to it!

Bill
05-19-2009, 11:29 AM
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Orrin
05-19-2009, 01:40 PM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had
no prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can't get
a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately,
her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against
the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when, to her
great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs
the horse.

Arubalisa
05-21-2009, 05:45 PM
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Orrin
05-22-2009, 09:54 PM
A rich oil sheik was visiting the White House to discuss the oil
trade with political bigwigs. His personal servant was attending
to the sheik's every need, as was customary and expected.

The sheik, never having tasted salted peanuts before, took an
instant liking to them, and began munching them like you wouldn't
believe. Naturally, the salt made the sheik thirsty, and he
called to his servant to get him some water. His servant left the
room and came back with a glass of nice, cold water.

Munching some more on the peanuts, the sheik got thirsty again,
and called to his servant to get him another glass of water. The
servant immediately complied with his master's wishes, and
returned in a jiffy with another glass of water.

Really taken by the peanuts, the sheik virtually stuffed himself
on them, and got a healthy thirst to match. He called to his
servant to get him some more water, and off the servant went.
This time, he came back empty-handed. The servant apologized
profusely, and begged his master's forgiveness.

Furious, the sheik yelled and screamed at his servant, "You son
of a flea-infested camel, why can't you bring me my water?!?"

"But Master", begged the servant, "I cannot bring you your water
because a white man sits on the well..."

Orrin
06-10-2009, 01:33 PM
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
feet became quite thick and hard. He was also quite a spiritual
person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat
much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a "Super calloused fragile
mystic plagued with halitosis."

Orrin
06-12-2009, 12:31 AM
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun
Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the
Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the
ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and
yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign
should jussay..... 'Bridge Out?'

cindyo
06-12-2009, 07:29 AM
Orrin..i love your humor..another good one.

Bill
06-16-2009, 03:23 PM
The Missing Pigs
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth." lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Orrin
06-16-2009, 06:58 PM
A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of
the Opera, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in
advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of
the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a
valuable commodity was unused.

The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked
him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the
seat.

He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

Andrea J.
06-17-2009, 05:13 PM
The Pope Visits Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!', he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know nothin' about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

rob o
06-17-2009, 08:32 PM
Nice story....wish it were true!:D:D

ChuckiesDad
06-18-2009, 09:03 AM
laughing all the way down the beach :)

Bill
06-18-2009, 06:09 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so
she thought she would take off her panties and use
them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,
so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded
to go home.

The next day one of the women's husband
was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent
wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home
with no panties!!'

'That's nothing', said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'

Orrin
06-19-2009, 01:23 PM
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise
on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had
photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a
kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so
that it would be like other porpoises?" "

Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting
the porpoise."

Bill
06-19-2009, 10:36 PM
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise
on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had
photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a
kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so
that it would be like other porpoises?" "

Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting
the porpoise."

Your just to funny!!!! Thanks. I love new material.

cindyo
06-20-2009, 01:02 PM
orrin...keep them coming...love em, cindy

Orrin
06-22-2009, 07:14 PM
http://orrin.org/bb/prayer.jpg

Shelly
06-22-2009, 07:25 PM
Ha Ha Orrin!!!! That's a good one!!!!

Bill
06-24-2009, 07:21 AM
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.


"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.


"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Orrin
06-24-2009, 01:24 PM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my daddy."

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits".

Orrin
06-27-2009, 02:23 PM
A man stopped at a gas station to fill up. As he finished, the
nozzle dripped a little gas onto his sleeve. The man didn't think
anything of it as he went inside to pay and then left. He lit a
cigarette and then dropped the lighter. His sleeve caught on
fire. He thought he'd try to put it out by hanging his arm out
the window and driving a little faster.

The police pulled him over for having an "illegal fire-arm".

Bill
06-29-2009, 01:14 PM
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers


No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Orrin
06-29-2009, 06:49 PM
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers


No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Murphy's law is an adage that broadly states:
"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

There is a story that Murphy himself realized his law in all it's simplicity,
when his girlfriend announced the impending birth of an heir to his family
fortune.

rob o
07-01-2009, 07:39 PM
So….

A man is arrested for shooting and eating a rare, endangered California Condor. The judge, at first, says this inexcusable. The man pleas “but I was lost in the woods for days and starving”.

Much to his surprise, the judge finds that the man has a valid excuse and dismisses the case.

Later, the two meet in the parking lot. The judge asks, I have to wonder, what does a California Condor taste like?”. The man replies…………….

…….kind of a cross between a bald eagle and a thresher shark!

Orrin
07-02-2009, 09:45 PM
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the
moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one
giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several
remarks - the usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts
and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the
enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no
Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay,
Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter
brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. He finally
responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in
the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of
his neighbor's bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.
Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs.
Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want?
You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

elianna
07-08-2009, 08:24 AM
A man was part of a national wildlife preserve before he died. He loved to clean up areas for all kinds of animals, and thought he had done a lot of good in the world. So when he died, he expected to go to heaven.

He was very surprised when the angel, who told people whether they were going to heaven or hell, said, "I'm sorry, but you were sent to hell."

"Are you quite sure you haven't made mistake?" the young man asked.

"We never make mistakes and never have." The angel replied.

So the young man thought, well, okay, and went with the devil to hell.

When the young man got there, he thought, "What a mess! I am NOT going to be living in such a pigsty." so he started to clean the place up.

A few weeks later, the angel came down to hell to tell the young man that they indeed had made a mistake and he was supposed to go to heaven.

"Woah, you can't just take him! He's mine now and this place looks great!" Said the devil.

"Oh, well then we'll just sue you!" The angel said back.

"And how the heck do you plan to do that?" taunted the devil. "We've got all the lawyers."

Andrea J.
07-08-2009, 08:46 AM
hahahaha
i love that one

So….

A man is arrested for shooting and eating a rare, endangered California Condor. The judge, at first, says this inexcusable. The man pleas “but I was lost in the woods for days and starving”.

Much to his surprise, the judge finds that the man has a valid excuse and dismisses the case.

Later, the two meet in the parking lot. The judge asks, I have to wonder, what does a California Condor taste like?”. The man replies…………….

…….kind of a cross between a bald eagle and a thresher shark!

Orrin
07-08-2009, 01:55 PM
It's been called to our attention that if Count Dracula had been
burned at the stake, the result would have been Transylvanian
ghoul ash.

Arubalisa
07-08-2009, 04:17 PM
Transylvanian ghoul ash.
What a dish! :D

As always I appreciate your humor :)

Orrin
07-11-2009, 01:21 PM
Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "P M S"?

A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Bill
07-12-2009, 09:55 AM
Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "P M S"?

A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Orrin, love you humor but that was bad:p

Orrin
07-14-2009, 02:07 PM
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the
came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day,
enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating
from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty
years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where
they had been years before. They walked into the woods and
before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other,
"This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on
the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook
by it's clover."

Andrea J.
07-15-2009, 10:17 PM
60 yrs ago there was a young actor, singer and dancer that was having much difficulty getting work. Every director or producer said "we'd love to hire you, but your name is offensive and since you will not change it to a stage name, we will not hire you".

The young actor did not want to change his name.
But he began to starve and was on the verge of being homeless and really needed the work.

Reluctantly he changed his name to
"Dick Van Dyke"

Do you know his real name?
scroll down
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
"Penis Van Lesbian" :eek:

Orrin
07-16-2009, 04:08 PM
Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of
the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans
ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a
franc in Stein!"

Andrea J.
07-23-2009, 09:45 AM
> A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding
> the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale
> in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50
> percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying
> her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was
> in critical condition and in the ICU.
>
> The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where
> she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
>
> As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
> her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of
> more shops before heading to the hospital.
>
> She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
> a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the
> last shop. She was jubilant.
>
> Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
> hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
> husband's condition.
>
> The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished
> your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you'reproud of yourself! While you
> were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
> has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you
> went
> ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping
> trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the
> clock
> care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'
>
> The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
>
> The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's
> dead. Show me what you bought.'

Orrin
07-23-2009, 01:20 PM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed,
a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists,
finding traces of a 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Courier Hub, a local newspaper in Wisconsin,
reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his
pasture near Stoughton, Wisconsin, Ole Olson, a self-taught
archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has
therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already
gone wireless."

Bill
07-24-2009, 08:24 PM
Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

Orrin
07-25-2009, 12:48 AM
A dentist recounts how he was sharing this story with an elderly
lady, just as he was putting on his rubber gloves.

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Puerto Rico they have this big
building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk
up to the tank, and dip their hands in - and then walk around for
a bit while the latex sets up - then they peel off the gloves and
throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and go around
again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning
her teeth because she burst out laughing.

She explained, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make
condoms!"

Orrin
08-02-2009, 03:12 PM
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in
fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized
that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of
course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where
he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the
teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the
school for a while, to help him find the bathroom.

Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both
return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy
"Well, did you find it?"

Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer
shorts on backwards"

danadog56
08-03-2009, 01:47 PM
A dentist recounts how he was sharing this story with an elderly
lady, just as he was putting on his rubber gloves.

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Puerto Rico they have this big
building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk
up to the tank, and dip their hands in - and then walk around for
a bit while the latex sets up - then they peel off the gloves and
throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and go around
again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning
her teeth because she burst out laughing.

She explained, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make
condoms!"

Orrin....you slay me !!!!!!

Bill
08-06-2009, 07:52 AM
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon: 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, 'Without you, we are but dust...' aHe would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Bill
08-06-2009, 08:49 AM
The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again
the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"
he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '.


Orrin
08-06-2009, 01:42 PM
I've never understood why women love cats!
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call,
they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked,
then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that
women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Orrin
08-08-2009, 11:58 PM
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '.


It's a funny joke but to set the record straight, brothels are not legal in the
counties where Las Vegas and Reno are located. They are only legal in the
sparsly populated counties. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_brothels_in_Nevada

Bill
08-09-2009, 08:19 PM
It's a funny joke but to set the record straight, brothels are not legal in the
counties where Las Vegas and Reno are located. They are only legal in the
sparsly populated counties. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_brothels_in_Nevada

:doh:

Orrin
08-09-2009, 08:33 PM
Aging

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

cindyo
08-10-2009, 08:09 AM
orrin,orrin,orrin..
What would we do without you? I think you are one of the funniest people I know, well, know on this site...thank you for your sence of humor...I get it completely !

Orrin
08-11-2009, 04:19 PM
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge
University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright
young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes
and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you
bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the studnet produced a copy of the four hundred
year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally
in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly
translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and
require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the
modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his
examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not
wearing a sword to the examination.

Bill
08-12-2009, 09:07 PM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
>> was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
>> Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
>> 'Dad.'
>>
>> With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
>>
>> with trembling hands and read the letter.
>>
>>
>> Dear Dad:
>>
>> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.. I had to elope
>> with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
>> you.
>>
>> I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
>>
>> But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
>> tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
>> than I am. But it' s not only the passion.....Dad she's pregnant.
>>
>> Stacy said that we will be very happy.
>>
>> She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
>> winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
>>
>> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
>> anyone.
>> We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
>> that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
>>
>> In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
>>
>> Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
>>
>> Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
>>
>> Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
>>
>>
>> get to know your grandchildren.
>>
>>
>> Love, Your Son John
>>
>>
>>
>> PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
>>
>>
>> I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
>> Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
>>
>>
>> I love you.
>>
>>
>> Call me when it's safe to come home.

Orrin
08-13-2009, 03:56 PM
Q. What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?

A. The taste.

cindyo
08-13-2009, 05:05 PM
q. What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?

A. The taste.

orrin...you freaking kill me !!!

arubamark
08-13-2009, 07:32 PM
Polish Sausage

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

A man asks a store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"

Bill
08-13-2009, 09:59 PM
Q. What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?

A. The taste.

:eek:

Bill
08-13-2009, 10:03 PM
Polish Sausage

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

A man asks a store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"



Welllll,,,, in the Home depot I go there is a sausage cart so it's not that far fetched:D

Bill
08-13-2009, 10:06 PM
Cannibals


2 cannibals were having lunch. your wife makes great soups said 1 to the other. yes agreed the first, but i am going to miss her terribly

Arubalisa
08-15-2009, 01:21 PM
Strange but true? If you are familiar with Long Branch you might not want to be walking around alone all that much anyway. :eek:

WHO? You're Bob Dylan? NJ police want to see some ID... (http://apnews.myway.com/article/20090815/D9A30C6G1.html)

Orrin
08-15-2009, 01:46 PM
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only
the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were
a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the
shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and
was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers When the
reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but
I think those two other girls were using their arms.

Bill
08-18-2009, 10:13 AM
"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this...

Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a newborn child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them
will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription
dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted
groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their
government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried
foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel
sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will
insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to
keep other codgers in repair.

elianna
08-19-2009, 09:18 AM
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage restrictive.”
Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”
You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.”
The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”
Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”
You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor retentive athletic footwear.”
You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”
You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

Orrin
08-19-2009, 01:36 PM
Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7"

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to departure, by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7,
did you copy the report from Delta?"

Continental 635: "Cleared for takeoff roger, and yes we copied
Delta and we've already notified our caterers."

Bill
08-20-2009, 05:39 PM
Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7"

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to departure, by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7,
did you copy the report from Delta?"

Continental 635: "Cleared for takeoff roger, and yes we copied
Delta and we've already notified our caterers."

Orrin, you hit an all time low with that one. Im sure the dead animal was a cat:rolleyes: Keep them coming!

Orrin
08-25-2009, 02:33 PM
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately
and presented him with three numbered envelopes... #1, #2, & #3.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you
can solve," the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later,
sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of
heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He
went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message
read, "Blame your predecessor."

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid
the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his
comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively,
sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight
dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and
the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once
again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.

The message said, ..."Prepare three envelopes."

arubamark
08-28-2009, 04:09 PM
The Fishing Trip





Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.




"How did you talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"




"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."



"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"

Orrin
08-28-2009, 06:56 PM
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the
mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was
wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day,
you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a
Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Orrin
09-03-2009, 04:56 PM
A woman's grave side service was just barely finished, when there
was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

A little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,
she's there.

Orrin
09-06-2009, 11:13 PM
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister
asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about
that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well
have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Bill
09-08-2009, 07:42 AM
Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were
only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best
parts of my life..

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD, and not so old friends...

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down
together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put
on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it

Orrin
09-10-2009, 06:36 PM
Important information for Fish...

If you see a worm shaped like the letter 'J',
Ignore it and swim on by.

Bill
09-11-2009, 09:52 PM
Orrin please delete that! Im a fisherman and I know they are smarter than me!

Orrin
09-12-2009, 02:43 PM
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he
found the C.E.O. standing in front of the shredder, a piece of
paper in hand, looking befuddled. "Listen," said the C.E.O.,
"this is a very sensitive and most important document, and my
secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly" exclaims the young exec., turning the machine on, and
inserting the paper.

"Excellent, excellent!" exclaims the C.E.O. as his paper
disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Bill
09-16-2009, 08:07 AM
Italians...gotta luv'em!

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church, they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Mario, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman
all these years.

Mario replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!

The Priest responded "Mario, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Mario proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go get her."

cindyo
09-16-2009, 10:33 AM
Bill- good one !

Orrin
09-16-2009, 01:36 PM
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing
off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he
staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take
a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the
Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always
wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and
saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now!
He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair,
and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman,
and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature,
and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve
himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was
tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

"I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first
prize!"

Chadd
09-17-2009, 02:24 AM
This one you don't even have to make up
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/5005019/20-ridiculous-complaints-made-by-holidaymakers.html

Bill
09-17-2009, 07:14 AM
This one you don't even have to make up
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/5005019/20-ridiculous-complaints-made-by-holidaymakers.html

LMAO! How appropriate:goodpost:

Bill
09-23-2009, 01:38 PM
To clarify the difference between Swine Flu and Bird Flu is that with Swine Flu you need oinkment and with Bird Flu you need tweetment!

Bill
09-24-2009, 03:39 PM
If you wake up looking up like this do not go to work!!!
487

Arubalisa
09-26-2009, 01:54 PM
Hang on to any of the new West Virginia Quarters. If you have them, they maybe worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device.

The problem lies in the unique design of the West Virginia quarter, which was designed by a team of West Virginians . Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.

:D I emailed this to dh this a.m. and he emailed back mentioning that we needed to check out jug of quarters to see if we had any of "these" WV quarter. :eek: :doh: :D

Orrin
09-26-2009, 04:48 PM
Then there was this rejected design for the Arkansas Quarter.....

http://humor.orrin.org/i0/50.jpg

Orrin
09-29-2009, 03:44 PM
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, was in her
US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware .'

Bill
10-08-2009, 03:42 PM
the three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Orrin
10-11-2009, 12:04 AM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry
his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, 'Can you tell me how
to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley
We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens.'

Bill
10-12-2009, 12:41 PM
Swine Flu Paranoia

Orrin
10-19-2009, 02:19 PM
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good
friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi
in religious arguments.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his
friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese
restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter
and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter
reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in
lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could
not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food,
the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend,
for he could take it no longer.

"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this
restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in
violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and
with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious
reputation!"

Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
(Rabbi nods yes)

"Did you see me order this meal?"
(again he nods yes)

"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
(again he nods yes)

"And did you see me eat it?"
(nods yes)

"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was
done under Rabbinical supervision!"

Bill
10-20-2009, 10:51 AM
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.




Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Bill
10-21-2009, 09:08 PM
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough a$$es to fill the stable.

Orrin
10-22-2009, 01:39 PM
During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde
was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy"

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at
least 8 characters long.

Andrea J.
10-26-2009, 01:28 PM
Cleaning Poem


I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes'

He told me to get off my fanny,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.

I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.

Nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

Bill
10-26-2009, 06:27 PM
Dog For Sale Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!

Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.

Orrin
10-27-2009, 08:31 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer
chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's
breast implants.

The "iTit" will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on
speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.

BostonLager
10-29-2009, 01:12 PM
SCHOOL -- 1958 vs. 2008

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 -Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 - Ants die.
2008- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

joeytruck
10-29-2009, 02:48 PM
nothing else needs to be said! perfect! this is exactly what our country has turned into!

Arubalisa
11-11-2009, 02:16 PM
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

..... PRICELESS

Sunny Beaches
11-11-2009, 03:07 PM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son and gives him 3 cents to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the cents, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant..

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last cent, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the cent to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman said. I'm with the Internal Revenue Service. :eek:

Orrin
11-11-2009, 06:27 PM
The Human Body...

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs...

Bill
11-11-2009, 08:01 PM
The Human Body...

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs...
:thumb::thumb:

Arubalisa
11-14-2009, 12:40 AM
http://www.novaksblog.com/pictures/30_9_07%20lolcats%20best%20of/shush%20i%20iz%20incognito.jpg

Orrin
11-14-2009, 01:13 PM
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Sunny Beaches
11-16-2009, 03:18 PM
Margaret and Bert, an elderly couple, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair ofauthentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,




'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression,




Margaret replied,




'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'

Sunny Beaches
11-23-2009, 02:40 PM
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

http://www.aruba.com/forum/mhtml:{1F63CEEA-513D-4D67-9245-BA1D1E6B8701}mid://00000068/!x-usc:cid:2.2238250353@web32907.mail.mud.yahoo.com


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.








http://www.aruba.com/forum/mhtml:{1F63CEEA-513D-4D67-9245-BA1D1E6B8701}mid://00000068/!x-usc:cid:3.2238250353@web32907.mail.mud.yahoo.com

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.


Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.


Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.









http://www.aruba.com/forum/mhtml:{1F63CEEA-513D-4D67-9245-BA1D1E6B8701}mid://00000068/!x-usc:cid:4.2238250353@web32907.mail.mud.yahoo.com

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.









How To Give A Dog A Pill


1. Wrap it in bacon.


2. Toss it in the air.






http://www.aruba.com/forum/mhtml:{1F63CEEA-513D-4D67-9245-BA1D1E6B8701}mid://00000068/!x-usc:cid:5.2238250353@web32907.mail.mud.yahoo.com

Orrin
11-25-2009, 09:43 PM
BAKED STUFFED TURKEY

10-15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
4 cups stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
2 cups uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher’s Low Fat) Salt &
Pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter,
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven
door.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey’s ass blows the
oven door open and the turkey flies across the room, it’s done.

Arubalisa
12-11-2009, 09:38 AM
A repeat from last year, but still a good chuckle!
http://www.aruba.com/vbgallery/files/9209-santas_gmail.jpg

Orrin
12-12-2009, 03:06 PM
http://ak.imgfarm.com/images/today/creators/sk/sk1209g.gif

Bill
12-12-2009, 07:39 PM
http://ak.imgfarm.com/images/today/creators/sk/sk1209g.gif

That's awesome!!!!!

Bill
12-12-2009, 07:54 PM
What's the Difference between Tiger woods and Santa? ..... . . . . . . . . . Santa Stops after 3 HO's

Sunny Beaches
12-12-2009, 09:45 PM
Whats the difference between a Chaddy & a Golf Ball, Tiger can drive a golf ball 300 yards! P.S. He changed his name to Cheetah.

Orrin
12-16-2009, 09:26 PM
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a
dog. The man will be there to feed the dog, and the dog is there
to keep the man from touching the computers.

Bill
12-20-2009, 12:27 PM
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
 
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
 
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
 
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F.
Kennedy."
 
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
 
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
 
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
 

Orrin
12-21-2009, 04:22 PM
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
feet became quite thick and hard. He was also quite a spiritual
person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat
much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a "Super calloused fragile
mystic plagued with halitosis."

Bill
01-08-2010, 10:35 AM
"The Bagpiper and the Funeral"

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Sunny Beaches
01-09-2010, 01:47 PM
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Orrin
01-09-2010, 02:32 PM
When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

Orrin
01-12-2010, 06:23 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I
desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really
loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Bill
01-15-2010, 10:53 AM
Business One-liners 07


After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.


After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.


Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.


Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.


All American cars are basically Chevrolets.


All general statements are false; think about it.


All generalizations are false, including this one.


All generalizations are useless, including this one.


All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!


All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Arubalisa
01-15-2010, 11:01 AM
http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/BO133130/ (http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/BO133130/) Cat Called for Jury Duty